I've thought and thought about this, but can loneliness kill you? I've lived through my teenage years, twenties, three-quarters of my thirties, but am still hoping that just around the corner will be the one. If not — can loneliness kill you?

I'm not in college anymore, but students could benefit from this question, too. I'm single with a 'great' job (pays well, insurance, pension, etc.), a decent place to live, no debt... in short, life could be much worse. But the only thing lately that makes me happy is doing kind things anonymously for people. I'm rather wealthy but don't want a big TV or a fancy car. I'd rather spend a vacation at a local monastery meditating and performing service. I'd be committing economic suicide to quit my job, and so many are worse off, but 'success through hard work' doesn't make me happy. I'm sure a number of students must have these feelings already. What are your feelings about this, Alice?

I need some information about panic attacks. My partner moved with me to NY and, at the time of moving, experienced several attacks of extreme fear.

This has paralyzed her to the extent that she no longer goes to work, her career is on hold, and she requires help traveling, if she travels at all. As well as being incredibly distressing for her, it's not helping our relationship either.

My question relates to my role in helping her recover from this. At present I frequently "overlook" the problem by going everywhere with her and being as supportive as possible. Am I an "enabler"? Should I make her "tough it out," or will she just get better?

Every time I have an orgasm (alone or with a partner) I have intense feelings of guilt. I was not brought up in a religious household and was never told to "wait until marriage". I've been in long term relationships with all my sexual partners so it's not like I feel guilty for sleeping around. It's getting to the point where I'm not enjoying sex anymore because I dread the feelings I have after an orgasm. Is this normal?

I'm a first year college student. Since the holidays I started experiencing a very strong horrible feeling; so horrible I preferred to die than to keep on feeling it (the suicidal thoughts come and go still, but it's not as strong as in the beginning). It's very puzzling though because I don't have a reason to feel like this, not one that I know of at least.

I thought of going to a psychologist, or psychiatrist, but I don't have money to do so, and I thought that maybe I should try curing myself first. Is there any way to try to fight depression by myself? Also, if I don't have a reason to feel depressed, what reasons could there be for what's happening to me? I read in other things you wrote to people that depression may be also caused by chemical imbalances in the brain. How do I know if that's happening to me?

I find that I get a feeling that I do not know how to explain; it is sort of a sad, discouraged feeling, when I see a black man with a white woman. I am a black female adolescent (20 y/o). I am not a racist. Also, I know of many people both black and white who are not racists but feel the same way. I am not angry at interracial couples when I see them together or anything of that sort. How can I be at ease when I see them, besides that it is not my business? I want to know what possible underlying causes can make people feel this way. How do I unlearn this habit?

Can Reye's syndrome cause chemical imbalances later in life? My mother had it as a teenager and has really bad mood swings and possible hypochondria and my aunt and I are trying to figure out if having Reye's syndrome could be the cause for some of it.

I became quite the hermit after high school graduation, and noticed myself being a terrible internet junkie who spends hours online.

I realized this was making me feel really irritable after about a year of it, so I started visiting old and new friends last week, and plan to do so this week as well. I'm trying to limit myself on the internet to one hour a day or avoiding it completely.

I'm a young fellah, very able bodied, and I know this. I want to know more of what's out there. I need ideas of how to keep myself moving and build up enough momentum to get out of the small rut. You only live once, right?

1) How can you tell if you are psychologically depressed? How do you ask? What if you are only depressed sometimes? I am a first-year psychology student, I live in college, and I seem to be having plenty of mood swings lately. I used to be very bubbly and enthusiastic and happy and relaxed all the time, but lately, I've just been edgy and sad, and I cry a lot. What's going on? I've been at university now for nine months. I'm only seventeen, and I live away from home (and I'm happy about that). I still have fun sometimes, and I get involved a lot, but then something will happen and I just bomb. I feel helpless and useless and angry because I am unappreciated. It annoys my friends and that makes me feel even worse. What's going on?

2) How do I know if I am depressed and need help? For about a year now, I have been easily irritated, angry, I cry when something sad or happy happens, I have lost seven pounds (last year), sometimes I have a hard time sleeping at night. I go over everything I did wrong in a day, and I have a hard time trying to concentrate on reading. I have wanted to mention this to my doctor, but I am very shy about it. He says I am physically healthy. I have tried exercising, and taking warm baths to help me feel better. What is wrong with me?

I am a freshman in college and I also happen to be anorexic. I have been to the medical services on campus and I am going to be attending the eating disorders group at my university. I also have been seeing an individual therapist for three years, but my weight is pretty bad right now. The doctor who has been keeping tabs on me says that I am very close to my “critical weight.” My therapist and I have discussed hospitalization ad-nauseam, but he's really not in favor of it, saying that hardly anything can be accomplished in a one month stay (which is basically all insurance companies allow for nowadays). He also said that the whole system is like a “revolving door” because people typically go back to their “old” behaviors one to two days after their discharge. However, I feel like the hospital might be the best place for me right now. My parents also are kind-of against the hospital. I really don't know what to do because my gut feelings so contradict my parents and partially my therapist. Also, what is the relapse rate of anorexics after they are released from the hospital? Is there any info on that?

I really hope you can help me. I'm 21 years old and never had any problems with eating. At 18, I sunk into a very deep depression and since then my eating has not been the same. It started slowly, where I would just skip a meal every now and then, but now I sometimes choose to go for days without eating and it's not because I want to lose weight, even though I have lost quite a bit, I just feel like I can't change anything in my life. I love my friends and I always have a great time with them, but at the same time, I find it so much easier to not eat when with them. That's what I can't understand. Why, if I feel happy around my friends, do I still choose not to eat? I went for almost a week without eating when I was away with them. For some bizarre reason, I feel better about my life when I stick to my decision to not do something, but at the same time, I want to stop, but I'm afraid I'll get really depressed. It doesn't really hurt me, but my friends harass me and I can't help them to understand when I don't even understand. Why am I doing this??

My girlfriend and I have been dating long distance for about seven months. I have found out through keen observation and affirmation from an old roommate of hers that she is a rape victim. For the last three months or so she has been going through a lot of changes with job acquisition, living conditions, and I don't know what else. In this time, communication between us has grown to an insignificant level (in my opinion). It seems as though she is putting her job, spiritual drive, personal life, etc before me. Almost to the point that she doesn't want to include me. I think this has something to do with the rape issue and her ability to trust people. I think she may be unable to believe that I could love her unconditionally.

I have been thinking my situation over and don't know what to do. I love her with all my heart but I am receiving virtually nothing from this relationship right now. Do I hold on to her and give her the space to come to grips with her life and hope that I will be in the big picture later on, or do I end it on the condition that she needs time for herself to decide if I am an important part of her future life? Please respond because I'm crawling out of my skin.

I've been going to therapy for some time now for general anxiety and obsessive tendencies, since about October last year. My question is do people always want to go to therapy or is normal sometimes to feel like "ugh, I don't feel like going/care to go tomorrow" like if it's more a burden or a... "Nuisance" than anything else. I can confidently say it's been helping me! But why do I feel like that sometimes? Is it normal? Shouldn't I know that I need it. That it's good for me?

How much more stressful is college on a non-traditional student, and what are some good ways to deal with college stress at 30?

I spent 11 years in the service and multiple deployments to Iraq, Afghanistan, and other places where I saw combat. I wanted to retire from the military, but not in the manner that I did. I was medically retired last year and I know that I am having issues with readjusting to my new life, have post traumatic stress disorder, and traumatic brain injury from some blasts during my last deployment. My problem is that I do go to the VA and I am trying to get my life moving forward, but it seems they just keep giving me a handful of some pretty powerful pills and are not really doing much for me. I have been on and off several different sleeping, anti-depressant, anxiety, and a lot of other stuff that I don't really know about for almost a year now. Are there other resources available for disabled veterans to use other than the VA? If so how do I get in contact with them? And should I continue taking all this medication that makes me feel like a zombie?

My roommate attempted suicide and I found her in the bathroom. She wants to come back to school next semester but I don't think she is better even though she has recieved professional help. How can I ever trust her again and feel comfortable? I am scared constantly at being alone with her. What do I do? How can I tell her about my fears?

I have a huge crush on one of my coworkers. I am single but he is not, so I have never made any passes or encouraged myself to flirt with him. Five months ago, as I was the last one to leave from work (so I thought), I ran into him. I was surprised that he was still there. To make a long story short, he tried to assault me. I got away. I'm experiencing terrible confusion. I am still attracted to him! I can't stop thinking about him and whenever he ignores me (and he does...constantly), I feel like I'm going to go crazy!

I can't tell anyone; no one will believe me. They would say that I provoked him and that I wanted it to happen. I can't give up the job. I need the income to get through college! Why do I feel this way? What happened to me? Why would he do something like this if he has a girlfriend?

My current girlfriend is still getting over an abusive relationship that she was involved in two years ago. The abuse included repeated rape throughout the two-and-half-year-long relationship. She has never been able to enjoy sex and cannot bring herself to do it again. Despite her feelings for me, she cannot relax enough during sex for it not to hurt her. I have not forced her into having sex she cannot enjoy. We have been together for nearly a year now and the problem does not seem to be getting better for her. She has nightmares and is uncomfortable and afraid in many day-to-day situations. She is worried that going to a counselor will mean she will be in counseling for the rest of her life to get over this. This has become such a hindrance to us being happy that I sometimes wonder if it is best to stay with her to try to help her through this, or whether I am out of my league.

What can I do to get some support after an act of violence happened on-campus at my school (or off-campus, but to a student here)? I feel a little lost right now...

I've never been very good at managing my time, getting homework done, or staying organized. Yet, I learned to work around this and get things done rather successfully. However, recently, I haven't been able to do ANYTHING. I can't get school work done. It's starting to impact my grades. I think this might be a result of a stressful junior year combined with a stressful summer job. I worked 50 hours a week at an understaffed Boys and Girls Club. There might be something about taking care of children — many with serious family/home issues — that really drained me. I only had about a week of summer vacation where I wasn't either working or at home with pneumonia. I went from a rough summer into a difficult senior year. Now, I feel like I need a break to collect myself, but I know I won't get that break until I graduate. What can I do? I don't think I need new organizational strategies, I've picked those up over the years, but then again if I knew what I needed I guess I wouldn't be asking!

1) I have a close friend who has a number of rather difficult issues. One of the most important is a long history of abuse (largely psychological) from her mother during her childhood. (She is now 19.) It is incredibly difficult to talk to her about any of these things. I would like her to see Psych Services, but I am worried about the fact that there are only a limited number of sessions available — that is actually one of the reasons she has offered to me as to why it would be a waste of time to go. Unfortunately, the only medical coverage she has is through her mother's medical insurance, she has no real money outside of her parent's control — it would be extremely difficult for her to pay for counseling, in other words, without alerting her parents. What can she do? What can I do?

2) I am actually asking for a friend of mine since this situation is getting worse, and I don't know how to help. The problem is that my friend is very depressed, and has very, very low self-esteem. While sometimes able to be cheerful and "happy," he claims to rarely feel that way and mostly just hates himself. He has mentioned suicide, although I think this is more an expression of the extreme self-hatred he feels than anything. I comfort him and often tell him how wonderful he is — what a good person, good qualities, etc., but I suspect he does not believe me at all. This has been going on for a long time now, and I think it stems from a somewhat unhappy childhood and adolescence. I don't know how to help him and I don't know what to do. I feel like being strong for him is just not enough, and I can't quite convince him that counseling may do some good. It seems to me that, recently, he has been feeling even worse about himself, to the point where nothing will comfort him. He cannot afford counseling, and he has no health insurance. Is there anything you can suggest for me to tell him or suggest to him? Any help will be greatly appreciated, because I just don't how to help him. Thank you so much.

1) This is more of a coping question. I am a first-year who applied for a single room over the summer and was denied. I figured that everything would be okay nevertheless. I tried to look at the situation as a character-builder. Well, that is not the case. My roommate is very depressed. I talked to the RA on my floor, but she didn't take any action, except to talk with her. Unfortunately, my roommate is so ashamed of what's happening that she denied the facts, and the RA believed her. No one except me has realized yet that she is sleeping most of the day and all of the night, and that it is indeed a real problem. I have expressed my concern to her and encouraged her to go to counseling services. She went a couple of times and then started canceling appointments left and right. I have worried about her, but I have no backup whatsoever, so there is really nothing I can do to help at this point. We get along relatively well otherwise.

Right now, the concern I have is that her depression is pulling me down, too. I literally have not been alone anywhere for more than two to three minutes in weeks. I wanted a single because it's a requirement that I spend some time by myself, and I'm going crazy these days. The lights are always out in the room, and I've noticed that I'm sleeping more than usual myself as the situation has progressed. Also, I am having to deal with some personal issues of my own this semester, and I simply don't have the energy to take care of someone else who desperately wishes that I would do so. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.

2) I know that when a friend is depressed, it's important to reach out, discuss the issue, and be there for the person as much as possible. But that's quite hard to do when I myself have a history with depression — I feel as if her emotions are taking me back to a place that I don't want to go. I really empathize with my friend and feel her pain, but at the same time know that I'd be useless to both of us if I'm in the troughs too. How can I help without sacrificing my always precarious emotional equilibrium?

I recently went to my doctor because I've been unable to lose weight. I've been on a successful diet, accompanied with a reasonable exercise plan, but I've seen no real results. A series of tests were run — I've got optimum blood pressure, low cholesterol, and I am not diabetic. But, when my cortisol levels were checked — they were very high. The doctor suspected there was a possibility that I might have Cushings' Syndrome — but another test was run and that came up negative.

I was doing research on the internet, and I found that there was a link between excessive cortisol and depression. I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 12 (I am now 21). And I am currently untreated. What is the link between cortisol levels and depression? Are excessive cortisol levels a physical manifestation of depression? Or does an excess of cortisol for some other reason cause depression? Does an excessive amount of cortisol cause weight gain, or in my case prohibit weight loss? And if there is a connection — will treatment for my clinical depression (in the form of prescription pills) help me?

I've been unable to find answers anywhere, or at least a good source to tell me to stop worrying — any help would be appreciated.

Thank you for everything, and it is being appreciated by thousands. I have read all your advice to others and have learned a lot. However, I have a problem that I do not know how to handle. It started when I decided to turn myself around from being bisexual to straight (nobody knew what I was, except my best friend, who is also bisexual). I now have a big hole inside me that is being filled by the dark things of life (such as hatred). I had good qualities, such as a great personality, being open-minded, and I would rather go through life without it than turn back to the "bad" habits (please do not get me wrong, I will never judge gays for I have been close to being one). Please help me to fill the hole with life, to get back or improve on my qualities, and to gain the knowledge to approach and attract someone of the opposite sex. And one last thing, do you think it is wise to let my future girlfriend know what I used to be?

My best friend has a weight complex. She constantly asks me if I think she's fat and even asks my boyfriend what he thinks of her weight. She isn't overweight and I just wish she would stop worrying about it all the time. Is there anything I can do to convince her she isn't fat?

Ever since I was in junior high, I have been pulling out my hair. I can remember not being able to pull my hair into a ponytail because the hair at the nape of my neck wouldn't reach. I still have this awful and shameful habit. I don't see it so much as just a habit, like the way one might bite one's nails, it's more like an obsession. I'll just sit and stare into space and pull clumps of hair out of my head. I remember having seen a program on T.V. which dealt with this habit as a medical problem that is curable with medication. Unlike the men and women represented on this program, I am not stripping myself bald — yet. I tend to consider it a form of self-punishment, perhaps. Just to give you some background information, I have a tendency towards bulimia (cycles of bulimia occur when my depression is at its worst) and am in general not a happy camper. What can you tell me about this?

I am a male survivor of childhood (homo)sexual abuse and incest. I have recently stopped my horribly abusive alcohol and drug habits and am having to deal more with my issues now that I'm not using "painkillers." I'm worried that if I don't do something soon, I might be miserable for the rest of my life and may never be able to have a relationship or even sex. I am very hurt by the fact that there are no resources on campus for male survivors. All the groups are for women, as if male survivors don't exist. Anyways, please refer me to any resources you are aware of in NYC. Thanks.

My best friend is in an abusive relationship! And he knows this! He married his wife about a year ago, when she was 19 and he was 21. And since then, she's verbally abused him, hit him, and even broke down their door once to get to him when he had locked himself in his room. But he refuses to do anything about it, since he "loves her so much." I hate seeing him like this. I'm worried about him. He's been physically hurt by her a lot. And while he can hold his own without getting seriously injured, it's painful to see. He calls me a lot, feeling upset about what she's done... I'm so worried about him.

He's told me he knows she's abusive, and that he wants to take her to marriage counseling... but I know that won't help. I don't want to sound biased, but she's very close minded and I know she won't listen to any counselor. But he "loves her so much" and "doesn't believe in divorce". What can I do to help him?

How can students get support after a suicide on campus?

I'm having a tough time adjusting to college. I miss family, friends, and home. On top of that, I feel like I am failing socially. Any ideas to get me out of this funk?

I had an abortion almost a year ago and I have pretty much recovered emotionally from it, but every so often, I have "relapses," I become very upset for an hour or so and withdraw from the world. I in no way regret my decision — I did what I had to do — but it still upsets me. What advice do you have for me that will help me to get entirely over the abortion?

My partner gets nervous every time I see my psychotherapist because she doesn't like the idea of me talking about our relationship. For her, it's anxiety-producing because she fears there are things I tell my therapist that I don't tell her. For me, it's anxiety-producing because I feel like my therapy sessions should be a safe and confidential space for me and because I feel like having that space has made our relationship better overall. How can I assuage her fears and anxieties without feeling like I have to, a) tell her everything I say in therapy, or b) lie and say that she doesn't come up?

I've been seeing this guy off and on for a few months. We're not a couple, but we're definitely more than just friends. (College is making it a bit difficult for us to actually be a couple.) But that's beside the point.

We were having a very serious discussion the other night, as he and I have already been through quite a bit. And all of a sudden he said that he was raped by one of his friends when he first started college. He's never told anyone that, except for a therapist that he saw for a while after that.

I've had female friends that have been raped (very few, thank god), and it just seems wrong to deal with him on the same level as I deal with my female friends. One, the relationship is different. Two, he's a guy, not a girl. There are obviously different sympathies that I need to give. The only problem is, I don't know how to show him that I am sympathetic towards him, that I am here for him no matter what.

Do you have any advice about how I go about this. I really want to be here for him, whether we remain friends, or become something more. Thank you for anything in advance.

I was raped by my best friend a few years ago. I was a virgin then, and still, years later, I can't seem to "go all the way" with anyone. How can I stop freaking out and messing up relationships?

I'm the peacemaker among my friends, the introverted listener. But lately I find myself dealing with my friends and their problems more than ever. The problems drift from abuse in their homes, relationship problems, suicide, and MORE! It seems like I'm walking around with the weight of the world on my shoulders — literally, and its making me dive headfirst into depression. Don't get me wrong, I like being trusted and thought wise for advice I give, but sometimes I know I'm just being used, and all I need to do is listen. But I also feel helpless towards many of the situations, example, drug abuse or violence in their homes. They're expecting my help most of the time! I can't suggest counselors, because it's un-thought of here, my friends usually have been to more than their fair share in their years, and it flat out doesn't work. Our school counselors are bogus, teachers really don't listen, and I'm a small girl who can't necessarily take on the world!! On top of trying to help friends of mine (close and not-to-close) I've got my own problems too! It's insane.

I frequently drift into talking to myself when alone or even when walking on the street. Is this healthy? I find that so long as I don't talk for a long time, it leaves a good effect on me. However, sometimes it's just a sub-conscious way of wasting time. Should I actively try to stop myself from this self-talking, or should I let myself "be natural"? I am twenty-four!

A loved one of mine had a double mastectomy due to a rapid growing breast cancer, chemotherapy, and radiation. She is in her early 30s. She is a year out from treatment/surgery and suffers daily with aches and pains. She also has lymphedema in her right arm, which doesn't help with her discomfort. She feels pain in her joints, sometimes her back, she gets headaches, she is often fatigued, and she feels sick a lot. She's forgotten what it feels like to have her body feel good. Is this normal? She definitely has depression due to this and often thinks she will get cancer back somewhere else. It's been two years since her diagnosis and she has not felt a day of no pain and or sickness. I want to give her some good feedback, some light at the end of the tunnel so to speak (without using that phrase) to help her get through it. The doctors aren't too helpful. Mostly they want her to take more pills, which are becoming the size of a meal. She refuses to take the pills that are anti hormonal. I don't blame her; she can't handle the menopausal symptoms they give her on top of everything else. She is active and often just pretends to feel ok for others sake. She also eats well with a low salt diet to help the fluid in her arm. Should there, or will there be relief after undergoing so much stress on ones body?

I don't have what would qualify for legitimate reason to go to the campus counseling center. Is this service typically only for medical related problems? I just want to be able to talk to someone about some of my problems right now. I feel like I "know" the answer to all my questions (regarding time management, developing healthy eating and sleeping habits, confusion, signs of depression, life management, etc., etc.). However, I thought it would be helpful to talk to a professional that would help me talk through some of things I'm thinking about. Who can I see?

I am scared to seek counseling. The papers are on my desk for me to turn in to the counseling center. But, something is holding me back; I'm not sure what. Do you have any suggestion as to how I can make the final step? There is something about getting past that initial first step that scares me to the point of nausea.

Do you have some advice for someone suffering from low self-esteem? Some things that I struggle with: comparison of myself to others ("She is so "together!" Why am I not like that? What is lacking in me that makes her better?"), lack of faith in my abilities ("I'll never be as good as him at that — I might as well not try."), lots of self-criticizing ("Why did I sign up for this class — I should have known I couldn't handle it."), always saying yes to people or feeling like I've said the wrong thing... you get the idea. I've been feeling pretty unmotivated lately too, and I think this just adds to the problem. Can you give some advice, dear Alice?

I'm currently coming into my second year at a famous but huge university in a big, crowded city. My first year had its ups and downs, but I made a couple friends. The problem is, I commute, and I'm finding it hard socially. I've been depressed for the past year, thinking I'm regressing because I'm not meeting as many people as a normal student would. How does one go from meeting someone in class to hanging out with them on weekends? I feel like I am mostly the one initiating, so I feel like I'm imposing. In addition, the university is rigorous, so I don't always have the time to join the clubs. Any tips on how to make a lot of friends from classes even though I am not dorming?

I recently found out that I am being deployed. I am so concerned with it every minute of the day that I find myself becoming depressed and overwhelmed. What are some good ways to manage these anxieties?

What is the difference between grief and major depression? A few months ago, my boyfriend died in a car accident. Lately, I have been very depressed, but I am not sure if it is just part of the normal grief process or if it is depression.

The mother of one of my best friends from high school was diagnosed with liver cancer a few months ago. She is quite ill and in a lot of pain. She's been in and out of the hospital lately and things don't look so good. My own father was diagnosed with prostate cancer a year and a half ago, but he is really doing quite well (with medication, treatment, etc.). My friend's mother will probably be dead within six months to a year, so I'm not going through an immediate crisis.

My question is: What things should (and shouldn't) I be saying to, and doing for, my friend? I try so hard to be there for her but I really don't know what she's going through. She is very matter-of-fact about the fact that her mom is going to die. But I'm sure there's something I could be doing, isn't there? I hate feeling like I'm actually making her feel worse! Could you give me some idea of what she might be going through right now and how I could help? Even if it's a method for taking her mind off it occasionally (if that's a good idea).

How can I become more optimistic?