How do I learn to not judge interracial relationships?

Dear Reader, 

You’re not alone—feeling sad or discouraged when seeing a Black man with a White woman is a common reaction for many women of color. Research has documented that Black women represent the strongest opposition to interracial relationships, particularly those between Black men and White women. Although this phenomenon isn't uncommon, neither Black women nor interracial couples are at fault. Institutionalized racism, internalized racism, White standards of beauty, and the intersection of these racial and gender inequalities all contribute to the way you—and many other Black women—feel. While these structural issues may lie beyond your control, understanding potential causes can help you process your feelings and decide how you want to move forward.  

Relationships between Black men and White women are the second most common pairing for interracial couples in the United States today. However, Black-White unions have a complicated and painful history attached to them and remain a politicized issue within Black communities. When slavery was institutionalized in the seventeenth century, interracial unions were illegal. White women and Black men who engaged in sexual relations together were punished harshly. On the other hand, White men often sexually exploited Black women with no repercussions.  

For some Black women, a Black man choosing to be with a White woman might represent a betrayal of culture, family, and community. Interracial relationships can also provoke discomfort because of how closely they mirror skin tone discrimination and bias within Black communities. Individuals with lighter skin are often perceived as more attractive and successful compared to their counterparts with darker skin (a phenomenon known as colorism). That said, every person’s experience and perspective are unique. Taking some time to reflect on your own emotional responses might help you develop a better sense of what’s causing you to feel the way you do. Some questions you might ask yourself include:  

• Why do I feel discouraged? 
• Do I feel the same way about interracial couples where the woman is Black and the man is White?  
• How does seeing a Black man with a White woman influence the way I perceive myself? 

Being a Black woman can be a complicated and sometimes frustrating experience. Women of color face a unique combination of challenges because of their identities as both a woman and a person of color. The experience of holding multiple identities at the same time is known as intersectionality, a term coined by writer and activist Kimberlé Crenshaw. Intersectionality describes overlapping systems of oppression and discrimination that mutually reinforce each other. Black women are affected by the intersection of their race and gender in a way that Black men are not because of gender differences in standards of beauty. For women, the preference for light skin, thin physiques, and certain hair types means that femininity is often equated with Whiteness. A Black man’s decision to be with a White woman can feel like rejection because it has the potential to reinforce negative stereotypes about Black women’s bodies, beauty, and desirability.  

Many people of color seek relationships with people who share a cultural connection with them, or who have similar lived experiences of racism and an understanding of its nuances that don’t need explaining. If you’re a Black woman who prefers to be with a Black man, the dating pool can feel small. Compared to Black women, Black men are more likely to marry outside their race. Additionally, structural disadvantages and institutionalized racism have led to disproportionately high rates of incarceration and violence against Black men, contributing to a “scarcity” of young Black men in your age group. If you’re a student in an institution of higher education, the educational gap between young Black men and women, especially among those pursuing college degrees, can also make it feel like you have fewer options.  

The feelings you have are a very common reaction shared by many women of color. They do not make you racist and do not necessarily constitute a “judgmental” attitude. Knowing that your feelings are symptomatic of larger racial and gender inequalities beyond your control may help to bring some peace. Speaking to a mental health professional who’s well-versed in these issues can also help you to process your feelings. If you’re a student, you might also consider seeking out resources at your school. Many schools host events, fund student organizations, and provide support groups for students looking for safe spaces to discuss race and related topics. 

Navigating your racial and gender identities—and their intersections—isn’t always easy. But in the words of Audre Lorde, “Only by learning to live in harmony with your contradictions can you keep it all afloat.”