How can I help my partner when she has a panic attack?

Dear Reader,  

It can be incredibly difficult to watch a loved one’s life change because of mental health challenges. You’re not alone in wanting to help your girlfriend avoid pain. However, sometimes helping behaviors can keep a person from getting the support they need to address the root cause of their challenges. While you don’t have to make her “tough it out,” you might encourage your girlfriend to seek professional care and help her feel confident that these panic attacks can improve with support.  

What are panic attacks and panic disorder?  

A person with panic disorder has frequent and unexpected panic attacks, which are episodes of intense and overwhelming fear. During a panic attack, someone might experience physical symptoms like a racing heart and shortness of breath. Panic attacks can result from known triggers (like a stressful external situation) but often happen out of the blue.  

Someone might be diagnosed with panic disorder if they have frequent panic attacks. A health care professional will also consider how these attacks are impacting their daily life. For example, people with panic disorders often change their behavior to avoid an attack. They also experience anxiety over when an attack might happen.  

How can you address a panic attack while it happens?  

When your partner is experiencing a panic attack, you can show support and help her feel more in control over the situation. Some measures you can take include:

• Staying with your partner and keeping calm
• Moving your partner to a quiet space
• Doing slow breathing exercises with your partner
• Helping your partner focus, such as by repeating a physically tiring task like raising her hands above her head
• Offering validation and encouragement by saying things like “you can get through this” or “good job.”

List adapted from MyHealth.Alberta.ca

While these practices won’t prevent future panic attacks, they can shorten an ongoing attack or make it feel less overwhelming.  

How is panic disorder treated?  

Panic disorder is often treated with psychotherapy, medication, or both. The specific treatment plan will depend upon a person’s individual situation, needs, and preferences.  

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is one of the most common psychotherapy treatments for panic disorders. CBT works by helping people develop different thought patterns to respond to anxiety triggers. This can help people restart activities they’ve been avoiding because they were afraid of having a panic attack. It can also help someone change their bodily reactions to feelings of anxiety so that they do not bring about a panic attack.  

A mental health professional might also prescribe medications. Antidepressants, like selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) and serotonin norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs), can be helpful for treating panic disorders.  

What’s the difference between enabling and helping behaviors?  

It seems that you’re concerned about whether your behaviors are enabling your girlfriend, rather than helping her. You aren’t alone—many people who are supporting a loved one struggling with their mental health share this concern.  

Enabling behaviors often make someone's symptoms easier to deal with, without helping them get better in the long term. Although going everywhere with your girlfriend may help her avoid panic attacks, it probably doesn’t help her stop having panic attacks when you aren’t there.  

You also might think about how this situation is impacting you and your daily life. Consider asking yourself the following questions:  

• Are you spending considerable time or emotional energy helping your partner avoid panic attacks?  
• Do you often find it necessary to sacrifice your own needs to take care of your partner?
• Do you feel that your actions are the main things keeping your partner from experiencing panic attacks?
• How do you feel about your partner? Is resentment starting to build up?

On the other hand, helping behaviors support someone in getting help to address their mental health. In your case, some examples of helping behavior might include:  

• Speaking with your girlfriend about seeking mental health treatment and helping her find an appointment.
• Providing support and encouraging words. Many people experiencing mental health challenges have a hard time believing in themselves. Simply affirming that she can feel better and her panic attacks are treatable can be incredibly helpful.  
• Speaking with her about any concerns she might have about mental health treatment.  

Panic attacks can be challenging for those who experience them, but also for those who provide support. Through open conversations, professional help-seeking, and self-care, you and your partner may work together towards recovery.