You have an excellent service and give great advice. That is why I feel comfortable asking you this question. About three weeks ago, a group of my friends and I went out to a movie and then a club where we each had some alcohol. After the club, we went back to a friend's room where the group gradually dispersed until there was only myself, two male friends, and one female friend. We began to play sex games. Eventually, we all were naked, on my friend's bed. The female of the group was the center of our activity. She seemed to want it and even encouraged what the three of us started doing to her.

Although we all were tipsy, it was a great sexual experience for all of us, or so I thought. My two male friends have no problem with what happened. The only thing is that my female friend won't speak to us or return any of our calls. I saw her walking down the street the other day and tried to talk to her, but she wouldn't even raise her head to look me in the eye. Do you have any idea what is wrong? Could my friend feel that she was raped? I want to apologize, but I'm not sure what to do.

I was wondering what the main reason is behind women getting sexually assaulted. Is it because of the way they dress, the way they act, or how easily tricked they are? Do girls say something provocative that entices the male to engage in sexual assault?

I am a woman who has always been attracted to other women. Until recently, I was attracted to men as well. Now I am almost exclusively attracted to women... which would be fine, except that I think this attraction has a lot to do with painful experiences I’ve had with men. When I was younger, my father was dominant and somewhat abusive, and my first boyfriend was emotionally manipulative and pressured me to have sex with him. After breaking things off with him, I had a very positive sexual relationship with a woman. Am I a lesbian, or am I a bisexual who is just afraid of men? If the latter is true, is there any way to get over this fear?

I'm a 26-year-old male having sex with a 16-year-old girl. Is this against the law?

Sometimes I think what it would be like to be with a man, romantically. I am a single woman, and have never had any relationships. Sometimes, though, when I am imagining what it could be like, it turns violent on me, in my mind, and I always end up being raped. This makes me apprehensive and scared of ever becoming involved with anyone. I am scared that everyone I meet will do this to me. I think that it wouldn't be too bad to be single for the rest of my life, but I want to be loved, to be held. What do you think?

What is the criteria for determining if a relationship is abusive? My husband has never struck me in anger or injured me, but he is constantly poking, tickling, flicking me, etc. When I tell him to stop, he usually says, "Why should I?" and continues a little bit more. It's like a kid tormenting a little sister. He gets right in my face and sometimes pokes me in the chest while he's telling me something. There's never any anger until I get mad at him for doing it, and then he tells me he's just playing. The other night when I told him to stop poking me, he said, "I'll do whatever I want." That really bothered me. When he does get angry, he usually just ignores me, but occasionally he'll throw something (but not at me). What do you think? How can I make him understand that his "playing" is upsetting? Is this type of behavior a precursor of actual violence?

I am a male survivor of childhood (homo)sexual abuse and incest. I have recently stopped my horribly abusive alcohol and drug habits and am having to deal more with my issues now that I'm not using "painkillers." I'm worried that if I don't do something soon, I might be miserable for the rest of my life and may never be able to have a relationship or even sex. I am very hurt by the fact that there are no resources on campus for male survivors. All the groups are for women, as if male survivors don't exist. Anyways, please refer me to any resources you are aware of in NYC. Thanks.

I recently broke up with my girlfriend of two years. There were many positive aspects to the relationship and I thought we were going to get married. There were some major negatives, too, which I am now having to cope with on my own, and I'm having a hell of a time. First of all, there were times when she was emotionally abusive towards me, criticizing me for no good reason or becoming impatient or even nasty over minor details. Another problem is health-related. I wanted to be extra cautious with her, as she had a number of less-protected relationships throughout her life (I think she had low self-esteem.). She was tested for HIV when we started dating and was negative. We continued to use condoms although she really didn't want me to, and would act hurt or confused that I did. Fairly early in the relationship (but after the HIV test), she developed warts, presumably from her last boyfriend (who was also HIV-). She was treated and has not had a recurrence since then.

However it continued to be a struggle for me. She was always acting like condoms = non-commitment or distaste for the other person, and though I generally kept using them, there were times when she would actually sort of "force herself" upon me. Maybe that is unusual for a woman to do to a man, and it wasn't violent or anything, but it was definitely a case of some physical and psychological manipulation to get me to do things I wasn't comfortable with. The worst is now I understand some of the feelings that made her do that. I have developed a few warts, which have since been removed. They were only around the base of the penis, so I don't know if I got them because the condom didn't protect me at first or if they were from a time when she did not have visible warts, but she "coerced me" into unprotected sex. It has now been almost two years since she first developed them and 1 year since I did (I had one small recurrence, as well, a few months ago). She was recently checked with no sign of them.

Now that we are no longer together, these issues are looming over me. I feel like an awful person, like garbage. I can't deal with the idea of the disease. I have been seeing a therapist, but while intellectually, I can analyze my situation, emotionally I continue to feel horrible. I don't want to pass on the virus, but now I, too, feel like a leper and an "untouchable" who no one would ever want to go near. I have read tons of info on it and talked to several doctors and all I get is confused.

Alice, will I ever be normal? I know I have so much to give to the right person. But I feel ashamed, embarrassed, and depressed. I don't talk to my friends about this because they are as inexperienced as I and, as one would normally expect, STDs are alien to them. I feel like that would distance me from them and all they could offer is pity. Alice, I don't want to be pitied. I want to be valued. Will my life ever be happy, or have I destroyed myself?

My girlfriend and I have been dating long distance for about seven months. I have found out through keen observation and affirmation from an old roommate of hers that she is a rape victim. For the last three months or so she has been going through a lot of changes with job acquisition, living conditions, and I don't know what else. In this time, communication between us has grown to an insignificant level (in my opinion). It seems as though she is putting her job, spiritual drive, personal life, etc before me. Almost to the point that she doesn't want to include me. I think this has something to do with the rape issue and her ability to trust people. I think she may be unable to believe that I could love her unconditionally.

I have been thinking my situation over and don't know what to do. I love her with all my heart but I am receiving virtually nothing from this relationship right now. Do I hold on to her and give her the space to come to grips with her life and hope that I will be in the big picture later on, or do I end it on the condition that she needs time for herself to decide if I am an important part of her future life? Please respond because I'm crawling out of my skin.

My best friend is in an abusive relationship! And he knows this! He married his wife about a year ago, when she was 19 and he was 21. And since then, she's verbally abused him, hit him, and even broke down their door once to get to him when he had locked himself in his room. But he refuses to do anything about it, since he "loves her so much." I hate seeing him like this. I'm worried about him. He's been physically hurt by her a lot. And while he can hold his own without getting seriously injured, it's painful to see. He calls me a lot, feeling upset about what she's done... I'm so worried about him.

He's told me he knows she's abusive, and that he wants to take her to marriage counseling... but I know that won't help. I don't want to sound biased, but she's very close minded and I know she won't listen to any counselor. But he "loves her so much" and "doesn't believe in divorce". What can I do to help him?

My current girlfriend is still getting over an abusive relationship that she was involved in two years ago. The abuse included repeated rape throughout the two-and-half-year-long relationship. She has never been able to enjoy sex and cannot bring herself to do it again. Despite her feelings for me, she cannot relax enough during sex for it not to hurt her. I have not forced her into having sex she cannot enjoy. We have been together for nearly a year now and the problem does not seem to be getting better for her. She has nightmares and is uncomfortable and afraid in many day-to-day situations. She is worried that going to a counselor will mean she will be in counseling for the rest of her life to get over this. This has become such a hindrance to us being happy that I sometimes wonder if it is best to stay with her to try to help her through this, or whether I am out of my league.

1) Is male rape possible? Where can I find more information on male rape?

2) Why is it that, in all the movies and stuff about sex, it is always the woman who feels pressured? I felt pressured my first time and no one would believe me if I told them. Any comments would be helpful.

I am now 20 years old. When this situation took place, I was 16 or 17. I was living with this family that went to my church, and the lady's husband kept coming on to me. At this time, my parents were divorcing and I was depressed. I was so scared of this man because he was a giant compared to me. He kept asking me if he could touch my thighs. I kept telling him no because it was wrong, but I didn't tell anyone. I wouldn't even eat at night because I was afraid he would try to rape me.

So one day I came home from church a little earlier than the others did. He came in and waited until I got out of the bathroom. He sat me down on a chair and he kept touching me. I was so in shock that I couldn't move. That day he entered me and I didn't push him away, but I was crying and felt sick. Later on that week, he came into the basement where I stayed, and he performed oral sex on me. I felt really bad, but then again I did enjoy it. I felt so confused and cheap because after he was done he left $100.00 on my table. I felt like a slut. Then after a few weeks of him not even looking at me, I decided to talk to him and tell him that I was sorry and that we couldn't do it anymore and that we had to ask God for forgiveness.

My question is was it my fault for being in this situation or is he at fault for taking advantage of me? I have forgiven him, but I still have to work on forgiving myself. To me that is a very hard task because he is one of the elders in the church. What should I do?

I was date raped by a man who I was seeing. I had broken it off with him a month before, but got into a situation where he attacked me. The problem now is he is friends with many of my friends, and he works at a place I must go to frequently. I haven't told my friends because I don't want them to confront him. I haven't seen the man since he raped me and I am afraid to. I know my friends will want to see him, and I know I will eventually run into him. I guess my question is what do I do when I see him? I don't want to talk to him, but I am afraid he will try and talk to me. I am scared of my reaction and don't want to have a freak out in front of my friends (although I know that they would understand). How can I leave this situation behind and resume normal life, not being afraid of seeing him in my everyday life?

I was raped by my best friend a few years ago. I was a virgin then, and still, years later, I can't seem to "go all the way" with anyone. How can I stop freaking out and messing up relationships?

In the beginning, I told my boyfriend that I don't want to have sex outside of marriage and he accepted that.

But then, about a week ago, I made a very big mistake and allowed him to take my clothes off completely and enter my vagina slightly. I know it was wrong and the following day I told him that I didn't feel right about it and I didn't want us to do that again.

Unfortunately, the very next day, we were alone together, and we got a bit carried away again. But when he tried to "enter" me, I said: "I think we should stop now, let's stop — ok? Please, let's stop now. I don't feel right about this." But he didn't... he spread my legs anyway and got on top of me. And he penetrated me quite deeply. As he was doing it, I was saying, "Stop, please, I really think we should stop," but I didn't push him away. I didn't physically PUSH him or something to make him stop.

I was quite shook up afterwards but I didn't know if I should be angry with him or not. We are still together and I don't even think he thinks he did anything wrong... DID he do anything wrong? Or is what he did alright because my body wasn't saying "no"? I didn't fight him physically. Do you think I was raped? I'm so confused and I've lost all my self-respect!

I have a huge crush on one of my coworkers. I am single but he is not, so I have never made any passes or encouraged myself to flirt with him. Five months ago, as I was the last one to leave from work (so I thought), I ran into him. I was surprised that he was still there. To make a long story short, he tried to assault me. I got away. I'm experiencing terrible confusion. I am still attracted to him! I can't stop thinking about him and whenever he ignores me (and he does...constantly), I feel like I'm going to go crazy!

I can't tell anyone; no one will believe me. They would say that I provoked him and that I wanted it to happen. I can't give up the job. I need the income to get through college! Why do I feel this way? What happened to me? Why would he do something like this if he has a girlfriend?

I've been seeing this guy off and on for a few months. We're not a couple, but we're definitely more than just friends. (College is making it a bit difficult for us to actually be a couple.) But that's beside the point.

We were having a very serious discussion the other night, as he and I have already been through quite a bit. And all of a sudden he said that he was raped by one of his friends when he first started college. He's never told anyone that, except for a therapist that he saw for a while after that.

I've had female friends that have been raped (very few, thank god), and it just seems wrong to deal with him on the same level as I deal with my female friends. One, the relationship is different. Two, he's a guy, not a girl. There are obviously different sympathies that I need to give. The only problem is, I don't know how to show him that I am sympathetic towards him, that I am here for him no matter what.

Do you have any advice about how I go about this. I really want to be here for him, whether we remain friends, or become something more. Thank you for anything in advance.

I commute into the city every work day and usually take the same trains each day. Some time ago another man made a pass at me which I ignored. He persisted and made several other passes over the course of time. At one point, he looked rather pointedly at my empty ring finger. The next phase of events involved his pointing me out to other men he was with and asking about me. The next phase involved his becoming very agitated whenever he saw me, pacing back and forth. When another man began to accompany him on the platform, I initially thought my worries were over and that he had found somebody. Later, he began making passes again, sometimes with his companion joining him. I'm fairly introverted so the easiest thing for me to do has been to ignore everything. I'm also not homophobic. I know that most of the men that I know would never have tolerated his actions and I feel that he has taken advantage of my tolerance. I think he may also be misinterpreting my reaction!!

Sometimes I feel that I am locked into some mutually destructive game with him. Needless to say, this has all been rather stressful for me and I would like the situation to end. I've tried changing trains, but this is difficult for me because of my schedule. I'm interested in your reaction to the situation and any solutions you propose.

I have a problem with hate. I hate my older brother. He molested me when I was young, and now I'm nineteen and I still have to live in the same house as him. My parents know what happened, but they just don't talk about it. I understand that it's hard to deal with. However, I never talk to my brother, and when I move out of my house, I don't plan on ever talking to him again. I don't think this is healthy, but there is nothing that I can do about my hate.

Well, the thing is that I have this boyfriend. He is twenty and I am seventeen. I really like, and am falling in love with, him. We have discussed sex, and he isn't a virgin, and neither am I, but I lied and said I was. I really want to tell him, but I'm afraid he'll get mad. My first time was with a guy who I had a crush on, and we went on a date, and he raped me. In my heart, I'm still a virgin, but, in definition, I am not. Should I tell my boyfriend?

I am 20 years old and recently lost my virginity to my boyfriend of six months. Before this happened, I strongly believed that I would wait until marriage because of both personal and religious reasons. My boyfriend completely understood my morals but then pushed the limits after only one month together and I didn't stop him. Not to mention we had sex before we told each other, "I love you." I regretted my decision the moment it happened. I know (now) that he loves me and I love him, but I still believe that what we are doing is wrong. I hate lying and that is exactly what I am doing by being dishonest with my family and peers. He acts so hurt when we do not have sex but I don't want to anymore. How can I tell him that I want to put an end to our sexual relationship?

Recently, during a phone conversation with my boyfriend, he told me that he turned the volume up on his phone. Soon after, he began to masturbate, while he was talking. I am well aware of phone sex, but the conversation never came up. I had no idea what to say to him. It was very loud and there was no mistaking those sounds. Should I confront him or let it go? Do many men find this satisfying? He complains about not being able to sleep. Could this have something to do with this?

1) My partner says she does not care for the "doggie" position because it causes her pain. I, on the other hand like to experiment and want to try everything. I guess I want more than just vanilla and she says if vanilla is great, continue to go for it. I guess I'm trying to sort out facts first. First, I know that only about 8 percent of women engage in this position. I guess I want to try it occasionally because the position gives me sight sensory as well as feeling. Anyway, I tell her I'd do anything she wants, anything to satisfy her in exchange for having sex in this position. I guess it's an obsession which becomes more of an obsession when it is denied!

Back to what she says. First, is that the angle is painful. She says the position is against the normal "curve" of the penis as it would enter in missionary position. Now on to the emotional side. What happens is that she will eventually consent but then because I feel guilty I jackrabbit and I can't enjoy it! What can be done to stop the pain she says is there? Is some of it emotional?

2) I like to have sex 'doggy style' more often than I could at the moment because my wife complains that it is painful. Is that common?