Abstinent and horny

Dear Readers,

Having a conversation about abstinence among a group of diverse individuals is a great way to learn about and understand differing points of view. It's also a great opportunity to learn other ways that people express intimacy while still being abstinent.

Anyone can have sexual urges, desires, and feelings and still choose not to engage in sexual behaviors with others. Each person gets to make choices about their behaviors and whether they’ll be sexually active or not. Regardless of their choices, they can still acknowledge, experience, and enjoy their sexuality: sexual thoughts, feelings, emotions, and desires that are a natural and healthy part of sexual development. Through this process, people may recognize and learn more about what is appealing or is a turn off. Some people ignore these sexual feelings. Others acknowledge and express their sexual feelings, their desire to touch and be touched or held, while still maintaining boundaries. Before figuring out the range of caring, tender, or sexual behaviors a person decides to participate in and still be abstinent, they must define abstinence for themselves. "Sex," as well as "abstinence," can mean different things to different people.

To some, abstinence is not having any type of sexual experience. To others, it means not having oral, anal, or vaginal sex. Some define abstinence specifically as not allowing penetration or not having vaginal or anal intercourse, but believe that oral sex is acceptable for them to give or receive. Sometimes people decide to be abstinent until marriage, whereas others may be abstinent for a certain period of time — also known as postponement (e.g., between partners, when they first go to college).

Those who acknowledge their feelings, but choose not to have any kind of sexual contact can redirect this sexual energy into other activities with or without a partner, which can include:

• Dancing or exercising
• Shopping or even window shopping
• Reading a book or watching a movie
• Meditating
• Taking a shower
• Being with friends
• Picnicking in the park or strolling on the beach
• Playing video games
• Giving or receiving a hug(s)
• Holding hands with someone they care about
• Cooking dinner and dining by candlelight

In addition to the above ideas, those who decide to be physically intimate with a partner without having oral, anal, or vaginal sex may choose to do following (though this is not an exhaustive list):

• Give or receive soft sensuous or deep passionate kisses
• Enjoy a back rub or full body massage
• Cuddle, caress, or stroke each other with fingers, lips, and tongues, with or without clothes on
• Slowly, sensuously undress one another
• Touch themselves in front of a partner, with or without touching them, with or without orgasm
• Skinny dip in a pool or pond
• Shower or bathe together

People are abstinent for many reasons, including religious or cultural views, personal or family values, or simply not being ready to have sex or be intimate in a particular way. If you’re not sure about how you define it, consider taking time to think about what abstinence means to you. This may help you to make choices that are harmonious with your beliefs (remembering that your decisions and beliefs may change over time).

If you feel talking with someone to help clarify your thoughts and feelings would help, try reaching out to a trusted friend, advisor, or a health promotion specialist.  These folks may provide thoughtful guidance, but remember only you can decide if or when to act on sexual thoughts and feelings.