I recently broke up with my girlfriend of two years. There were many positive aspects to the relationship and I thought we were going to get married. There were some major negatives, too, which I am now having to cope with on my own, and I'm having a hell of a time. First of all, there were times when she was emotionally abusive towards me, criticizing me for no good reason or becoming impatient or even nasty over minor details. Another problem is health-related. I wanted to be extra cautious with her, as she had a number of less-protected relationships throughout her life (I think she had low self-esteem.). She was tested for HIV when we started dating and was negative. We continued to use condoms although she really didn't want me to, and would act hurt or confused that I did. Fairly early in the relationship (but after the HIV test), she developed warts, presumably from her last boyfriend (who was also HIV-). She was treated and has not had a recurrence since then.
However it continued to be a struggle for me. She was always acting like condoms = non-commitment or distaste for the other person, and though I generally kept using them, there were times when she would actually sort of "force herself" upon me. Maybe that is unusual for a woman to do to a man, and it wasn't violent or anything, but it was definitely a case of some physical and psychological manipulation to get me to do things I wasn't comfortable with. The worst is now I understand some of the feelings that made her do that. I have developed a few warts, which have since been removed. They were only around the base of the penis, so I don't know if I got them because the condom didn't protect me at first or if they were from a time when she did not have visible warts, but she "coerced me" into unprotected sex. It has now been almost two years since she first developed them and 1 year since I did (I had one small recurrence, as well, a few months ago). She was recently checked with no sign of them.
Now that we are no longer together, these issues are looming over me. I feel like an awful person, like garbage. I can't deal with the idea of the disease. I have been seeing a therapist, but while intellectually, I can analyze my situation, emotionally I continue to feel horrible. I don't want to pass on the virus, but now I, too, feel like a leper and an "untouchable" who no one would ever want to go near. I have read tons of info on it and talked to several doctors and all I get is confused.
Alice, will I ever be normal? I know I have so much to give to the right person. But I feel ashamed, embarrassed, and depressed. I don't talk to my friends about this because they are as inexperienced as I and, as one would normally expect, STDs are alien to them. I feel like that would distance me from them and all they could offer is pity. Alice, I don't want to be pitied. I want to be valued. Will my life ever be happy, or have I destroyed myself?
