What's a normal age to start having sex?

Dear Desperate, 

Sexual feelings, attraction, and fantasies are all part of sexual development. It makes sense to be curious about when to begin having sexual experiences. While there isn’t one specific time, there are ways to determine whether you and a trusted partner are ready.  

When it comes to safety, different activities and partnerships require different safety precautions. Preparation and communication are two of the best ways to have a safer sexual experience. While having sex with a same-sex partner can reduce the risk of pregnancy, there are additional risks to consider. Read on to learn more about how you can navigate this exploration with confidence.  

On average, what age do people start having sex? 

 People begin having sexual experiences at all different ages. Some research has shown that people’s first sexual experience typically happens between the ages of 15 and 19. Studies suggest that in same-sex partnerships, the average age of first sexual experiences is slightly older.  

In any case, it’s important to note that age itself doesn’t determine whether someone is ready or not. Deciding on the right time to start having sexual experiences is dependent on the physical, emotional, and relational readiness of each individual and potential partner.  

How do you know if you’re ready for sex? 

“Readiness” isn’t the same for everyone. Different people will feel ready at different times, for different reasons, and under different circumstances. Sex can also mean different things to different people, including:  

• Masturbation 
• Hand jobs and fingering 
• Oral sex 
• Penis—vagina sex 
• Anal sex 

List adapted from Planned Parenthood 

You may feel ready for some sexual experiences but not others. It might be helpful to consider what kinds of sexual experiences you’re hoping to have. Communicating these expectations beforehand can be a good strategy to ensure you and your partner feel comfortable and ready. 

To determine your own personal readiness, you may want to ask yourself the following questions:  

• What expectations do I have about sex? 
• What am I hoping to get out of this experience? Closeness, pleasure, something else? 
• What am I looking for in a sexual partner? Is there a specific person (or trait) that I am attracted to? 
• Is there anything that I am unsure or nervous about? 
• Am I feeling pressured in any way? From a partner, friends, society, or anywhere else? 
• How will I know if I need to stop? 
• Who could I go to if I need support?
• How do I stay safe during sex? 

As a bisexual person, it makes sense to wonder how different partnerships may impact safety. However, you raise a good question. It’s not necessarily “safer” to have sex with someone of the same gender compared with someone of a different gender. These choices may require different preparation methods, but ultimately, the safest partner is the one you feel physically and emotionally safe with.  

Typically, the term “safer sex” refers to protecting against unplanned pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections. Safety, however, also includes consent, communication, and respect. Some ways to ensure safety, no matter who your partner is include: 

• Protecting yourself and others from unplanned pregnancy. Pregnancy can happen whenever someone with a vagina and someone with a penis have penetrative sex. Using some form of contraception, like condoms, when having sex can prevent pregnancy. Another option may be birth control, which comes in many different forms.  
• Protecting self and others from sexually transmitted infections (STIs). STIs can be transmitted during lots of different sexual activities, regardless of gender. Barrier methods, including condoms and dental dams, can prevent transmission. It’s also recommended to get regular STI testing and have honest conversations with future partners about sexual histories.  
• Taking it at a comfortable pace. Everyone has a different comfort level and different preferences when it comes to sex. What works for one person may not work for the other. Regularly checking in with yourself and your partner can make sure that everyone feels comfortable and safe. 
• Ensuring that consent is freely given. Consent is when participants clearly agree to having sex. It should be given freely, without pressure or manipulation. Consent can’t be given if someone is under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Everyone has the right to change their mind at any point during a sexual encounter, even if consent was given previously. 

One thing to be mindful of is the legal age of consent, the age at which someone can legally agree to engage in sexual activities. In the United States, this ranges from ages 16 to18, depending on the state. However, many states have exceptions for partners who are close in age, also known as “Romeo and Juliet laws.” 

Hopefully, this has provided some of the guidance that you are looking for. If you’re looking for more support, it can be helpful to speak with medical or mental health professionals. Ultimately, safety can be built through communication, preparation, and respect.  

Best of luck to you as you navigate this exciting journey of sexual discovery!