Cite this Response
Alice! Health Promotion. "Should I come out as bi and tell my friend I’m interested in them?." Go Ask Alice!, Columbia University, 17 Feb. 2025, https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/should-i-come-out-bi-and-tell-my-friend-im-interested-them. Accessed 21, Feb. 2025.
Alice! Health Promotion. (2025, February 17). Should I come out as bi and tell my friend I’m interested in them?. Go Ask Alice!, https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/should-i-come-out-bi-and-tell-my-friend-im-interested-them.
Dear Alice,
I am a 19 year old female, and I am bisexual. I haven't come out of the closet yet, but I have told one really trustworthy friend. I am really afraid to come out of the closet because I know that my family will never accept it. That and one of my friends, I sort of like but I would never do anything to make her feel uncomfortable. So I haven't told her yet either. What do I do? I hate this whole being in the middle thing. She is really a great person and I can totally understand if she doesn't have the same feelings I do about her but I would really like to tell her the way I feel with out ruining our friendship if I did tell her. I know it's a rock and a hard place but do you have any advice for me? It would really be appreciated.
Dear Alice,
I'm an eighteen-year-old male. I'm beginning to become good friends with a guy, but I'm also feeling that I want something beyond friendship with him. I know that I'm bi, but I have never expressed it to anyone. I guess I fear the social implications of it, but then again I am a very liberal person. I can't stop thinking of this guy, not necessarily in a sexual way, but in a "relationship" context. He isn't dating anyone, but I have no idea if he is bi/gay or straight (he hasn't made any announcements, but he seems to be "playing it straight" as I am).
What should I do? I don't want to destroy a potential friendship by approaching him about this. But, I've never felt this way about anyone (male or female) and I don't want to let a potential opportunity slip by and be miserable. I'd also rather keep my sexuality a private thing, but I do think I can trust him.
Help!
Puzzled
Dear Reader 1 and Puzzled,
Having feelings for a friend can be complicated, especially if you haven’t talked openly about your sexuality. If, how, and when you choose to tell your friend about your sexuality and your feelings is completely up to you. If you choose to tell your friend, it’s important to remember that you can’t control how they may react, so it might help to be prepared for a variety of outcomes. This includes the possibility that they may want to take some time to process the information on their own. Read on to learn more about how to navigate these conversations.
Should you tell a friend you have a crush on them?
Developing a crush on a friend is common, but figuring out whether or not (and if so, how) to tell them can be tricky. It’s likely that your relationship may change after you tell them. Thinking about how your friendship might change could help you decide whether or not you’d like to move forward with telling them.
- What are your favorite parts of your friendship? How might they change?
- If your feelings aren’t reciprocated, will you want to remain friends? Do you think they’ll be interested in remaining friends?
- Do you have other friends or loved ones you can talk to if this friend needs some time or space to process what you shared with them?
You could consider coming out to your friend first and gauge how they react before you tell them about your feelings. This way, you’ll be able to think out how you’ll tell them and how they may respond.
How can you come out to a friend?
Everyone’s coming out experience is unique to them and might be different depending on who they’re coming out to, be it family members, close friends, coworkers, etc. That said, it might help to think about your relationship with this specific friend and make sure you feel safe and comfortable before coming out to them.
To make coming out feel a little less intimidating, you could try broaching the subject by talking about someone else you know (or someone you don’t, like a celebrity) who’s bi and gauging your friend’s reaction. If they seem supportive, it might feel easier to say something like, “I’m bi too” or “I also like guys and girls.” In some cases, you might not even have to formally come out—just telling your friend how you feel about them might get the same point across.
If you’re feeling nervous or anxious about the conversation, you could try research resources for coming out online, thinking about what you’d like to say and writing it down, or practicing in front of a mirror.
How can you prepare yourself for their response?
It seems like the best possible outcome is if your friend reciprocates your feelings. If that’s the case, you might want to have an idea of how you’d like to explore those feelings.
- Do you want to start dating exclusively?
- Do you want to try a friends with benefits situation?
- Are you interested in pursuing a relationship right away or would you rather take things slow?
Thinking about these possibilities might make you feel more prepared for a conversation about your relationship.
There’s also the chance that your friend may not feel the same way. No matter how they respond, it’s possible that this conversation could get a little awkward. It might help to seek out some form of a support network so you have other people to talk to about the experience if they don’t feel the same way or it gets awkward. For example, you could seek out a gay-straight alliance (GSA) at your school or in your area. Bisexual people make up a large portion of queer communities, but can often be left out—so there might even be specific bi+ affinity groups in your community. If you can’t find a group or aren’t comfortable joining one, reaching out to other friends or family members might be another way to take a step back and talk it out!
Hopefully some of these tips can help make coming out a bit easier. And bi the way, good luck!