Should I come out to my girlfriend about my boy-crush?

Dear Paranoid bi-boy,

It seems like you’ve got a coming out conundrum on your hands. Navigating your own sexuality can be confusing, and having to explain it to others can be frustrating. Being attracted to people of two or more genders is called ‘multisexuality’, and bisexuality is just one variation. There are many misconceptions about bisexuals, including ideas that they might be ‘playing for alternating teams’, or might be prone to cheating. If you decide to come out to someone you’re in a relationship with, it may be helpful to consider both of your feelings as well as your own goals for the future of your relationship.

What does it mean to be bisexual?

Most bisexual people consider themselves to be sexually or romantically attracted to two people of two or more genders. This may be difficult for some ‘monosexual’ (that is, strictly ‘gay’ or ‘straight’) people to understand, but it’s a fairly common identity. Bisexuality isn’t a definition you should feel limited by, but it can be a helpful label to describe your sexuality.  

Can you “go bi” because of somebody?

Recent research continues to show that sexuality is coded into your DNA. However, bisexuality is commonly misunderstood. Even within the queer community, bisexual men struggle to find acceptance and understanding. Though certain people may spark your interest, it’s unlikely that anyone could really change your sexuality.

As such, it may be helpful to remember that your own sexuality isn’t a reflection of the sexualities of the people you choose to be with. In fact, coming out to your girlfriend may even demonstrate your own feelings of comfort in your relationship and presenting it in this way may help alleviate some of your own internal dialogue.  

Do you have to tell others that you’re bisexual?

You shouldn’t feel pressure to share your sexuality with anyone unless you feel safe and comfortable doing so. Coming out can be a liberating experience, but it might also be a bit daunting. Even if you think your friends or family will be accepting if you come out to them, it might be worth asking yourself: why do you want to tell them? This question can help you think about how you’d like to go about it. It can also help you figure out whether you feel like it’s something you feel pressured to do or if you want to do it.  

If you do choose to share this information, there are some more questions you might want to ask yourself before doing so, including: 

• Which part of the experience makes you nervous? 
• What do you hope happens if you tell your girlfriend? 
• Do you want to remain in a monogamous relationship with her? 

If you want to share this with your girlfriend, what approach can you take?

Consider approaching the conversation with your girlfriend in a calm and understanding manner. While you’ve had time to mull over these thoughts, it’s possible that the information may come as quite a shock to her. She may also have some concerns about how this will affect your relationship. That said, it might be good to give her some time to fully think about and respond to everything you’ve told her. Expecting her to respond in the moment may put undue pressure on her and leave you feeling like her response lacked any sort of thoughtful direction forward.  

Where can you find more resources about coming out?

For more information or other perspectives on coming out, consider checking out resources such as: 

• The Human Rights Campaign 
• The Trevor Project 
• Bi.org 

But the best resource of all may be a strong support network. This can include queer or allied family and friends. You may also consider seeking out care from a mental health professional. In your case, it sounds like your friend might be a good person to talk to, as you’ve already told him about our feelings. Having someone to confide in before coming out to others can be incredibly helpful and may make your conversation with your girlfriend much more productive.  

Best wishes,