Cite this Response
Alice! Health Promotion. "How do you know if you’re the codependent one?." Go Ask Alice!, Columbia University, 14 Oct. 2026, https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/how-do-you-know-if-youre-codependent-one. Accessed 14, Oct. 2026.
Alice! Health Promotion. (2026, October 14). How do you know if you’re the codependent one?. Go Ask Alice!, https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/how-do-you-know-if-youre-codependent-one.
Dear Alice,
I feel shy asking on a place like this but I just.. nowhere else has helped. My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and things have been great mostly!
But things just.. aren’t great for me anymore. My boyfriend wants to hang out all the time and I’m the kind of person that needs more alone time than most. I’ve tried expressing I need more time in the past but what usually happens is it works for a little while but then goes back to normal. I get time and room to breathe but then he’s back to asking if I want to call all the time.
I know I can say no. He says he won’t get upset but then he feigns being sad. I’ve told him about this and he has stopped but it’s only a recent stop and I still feel so anxious that he’s going to do it again.
I was reading on here and all I read about was how to tell if the other partner was codependent, not yourself. All behaviors I read about where behaviors I do. If I am the codependent one what do I do? Is it more worth it to break up both for my sake and his?
Dear Reader,
It can be hard to open up about relationship troubles, but it’s a good start to figuring out how to navigate possible next steps. Codependency is a way of behaving in relationships where you consistently prioritize your partner, sometimes at the expense of yourself and others. You may find that by speaking with your partner and adjusting some behaviors, you can meet shared needs while maintaining your individual identities. That said, if you aren’t getting the alone time you need, you may need to consider whether this relationship is right for you.
What does it mean to be codependent?
Being codependent means you might show behaviors that prioritize others before yourself. Some common codependent behaviors can look like:
- A need for approval from others
- Basing your self-worth on what others think about you
- Over-apologizing or taking blame to keep the peace and avoid conflict
- Minimizing your own desires
- Feeling guilt or anxiety when doing something for yourself
- A fear of rejection and abandonment
List adapted from PsychCentral
These patterns may leave you feeling lonely, isolated, or unfulfilled. However, these behaviors can sometimes seem like love, kindness, or consideration. Identifying the line between behaviors that are loving versus codependent can be a challenge. A main difference to look for is if you’re putting others first without respecting your own needs. You might have difficulty expressing your feelings or you neglect your personal needs to make space for others or to avoid upsetting others.
How can you manage the need for alone time in relationships?
From what you've shared, it sounds like you've tried communicating your need for space. If your partner becomes sad or withdrawn when you set a boundary, he may be putting pressure on you without realizing it. That said, asking for support, feeling comfortable expressing your needs, and setting clear boundaries can all be helpful in a relationship.
While you deserve that time and space alone in a relationship, that doesn’t mean it’s easy to ask for. Your partner may feel offended, upset, or refuse to acknowledge your needs. It’s also worth noting if your partner needs constant reassurance, gets upset when you set limits, and doesn’t respect your boundaries.
Finding the right balance between alone time and time together takes some practice, but routinely communicating or experimenting with different approaches can help you find one that might work for you. You may find being specific in your requests helps create clear communications and boundaries. For example, “I’d like Tuesday evenings to myself” is clearer than “I need more space.”
What strategies can you use to shift your behavior?
Even if you find that you and your boyfriend behave in codependent ways, you can still make changes. You may find some of these strategies useful if you’re trying to make a shift:
- Try making small decisions on your own and trusting yourself, rather than depending on someone else’s reaction.
- Mindfulness or meditation can help you keep track of your own feelings, manage stress, trust your needs, let go of negative thoughts, and stop seeking approval from others.
- Spending time on activities and with people that bring you joy, like picking up a hobby or spending time with friends, might help you honor your own needs.
- Talking to a mental health professional can help you navigate complex feelings related to your relationship.
How can you decide if it’s time to call it quits?
Only you can decide when it’s time to hit the end button in a relationship. You may find that you’d like to try to work with him to improve your relationship. Some reflective questions may help you figure out more about how to move forward:
- Is it possible to meet both your need for space and his need for time together?
- Is your partner open to making changes?
- How do you feel when your needs aren't respected?
- Are you willing to put the work into your relationship to make the changes? Is your partner?
It may be helpful to think through these patterns with a trusted source, such as a family member, friend, or mental health professional. Being honest about your needs isn’t a threat to relationships or a selfish act. It’s a way to connect with how you truly feel about your relationship.
Wishing you the alone time you need,