Was asking for space a mistake?

Dear Anonymous, 

The decision to marry or spend the rest of your lives together can feel overwhelming, and moving in together may have felt like a big step toward committing yourself to that path. Giving yourself time and space to think about your priorities and what you want from the future can help you build a solid relationship with anyone you choose. For more information about why taking a break, maintaining independence, and developing different kinds of relationships can help you as an individual and in your relationship, read on! 

Why can it be helpful to take a break from your relationship?  

Taking a break from a relationship isn’t always a bad thing. It can be a way to: 

• Focus on your personal goals and growth. Having private time and space can be important to explore your personal development. 
• Process your emotions. If you feel overwhelmed in your relationship, taking a break can help you regain a sense of balance. 
• Reaffirm your personal identity. Sometimes people feel like they lose a part of themselves when they’re in a relationship. Taking some time to be on your own can help you rediscover yourself as an individual. 
• Assess the health of your relationship. Sometimes being on a break can help you examine your dynamic with your partner with more clarity. 

List adapted from Psychology Today 

To figure out how to make the most of your break , you may want to figure out why you wanted to take a break in the first place. You might consider reflecting on questions like: Do you want to experience other relationships? Do you feel pressure to have more experience with relationships given your boyfriend’s history? Do you feel like you didn’t have enough independence within the relationship? This may just be a starting point but reflecting on your goals for the break might help you discover what you felt you were lacking in the first place. 

Taking a break can also be an opportunity to discover what autonomy in a relationship means for you. You mentioned that you have full-time jobs and your own hobbies but still feel trapped. This may be a chance to understand what independence means to you in a relationship and how you’d like to exercise it in the future.  

Why might it be important to build other types of relationships? 

What’s great is that different people and different relationships can offer us different things. Relying on one person to bring you happiness or fulfill all your emotional needs can be taxing for them and you. Having a diversified social network can help alleviate some of that stress by providing you with multiple people to turn to for support. You might find that you want to reenter a relationship with your boyfriend with more ease if you also have friends, coworkers, acquaintances, or family members that also help fill your cup. 

Does space mean breaking up forever?  

No, not necessarily! Taking a break now doesn’t have to mean the end, unless you want it to be. As long as you keep open lines of communication with your boyfriend, the two of you can determine how you want to think about your relationship break. For example, you might consider setting up timelines for check-ins during the break so you can assess how each of you is feeling and whether you want to reenter a relationship. Then you can explore your time on your own, knowing that you’re going to come back and reconnect with your boyfriend. 

If you want to get back together with your boyfriend and ensure you still have some space to yourself, you might consider: 

• Setting boundaries and workable routines that help both you and your boyfriend maintain independence. For example, you might share certain meals together and also purposefully schedule some alone time.  
• Talking about the possibility of opening up the relationship. Having a non-monogamous relationship can mean different things. But having relationships with other people besides your primary partner might allow you to stay with your boyfriend and simultaneously explore other types of experiences you want. 
• Staying together but living apart. Moving in with a significant other can be a big step, even for couples who've been together for a while. Separate places nearby could let you slowly transition to living together—this way, you both can spend time at each other's houses and still have a refuge when you need alone time. 

Whether you decide to get back together or take some time on a break, being open and honest with yourself and your boyfriend along the way will help you get closer to figuring out what’s best for you. 

Wishing you the best in your decision,