How can I tell my religious parents that I'm a lesbian without them disowning me?

Dear Lesbian in Love, 

Feeling connected to and supported by others as well as living as your true self is important for psychological well-being. This is especially true for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and questioning (LGBTQ+) folks. However, when your family isn’t supportive, it can be challenging to know how to navigate that situation. Take some time to reflect on your coming-out conversation and read on to find other sources of support that may help you navigate this process. 

What are some factors to consider before deciding to come out to your family? 

Research shows that for many LGBTQ+ people, coming out can support overall well-being. However, if your family isn’t accepting, you may consider whether there are other people in your life you would feel safe sharing with.  

Reflecting on any repercussions may help you decide if, when, and how to have this conversation. Consider questions such as: Do you rely on your family for any sort of support? Financial? Housing? Transportation? Do you feel they might deny you those things if you were to come out? Would your decision to come out put you in the way of any physical harm? Your answers can guide you to further consider whether coming out to your family feels like a safe and meaningful step. 

How can you prepare for a coming-out conversation with your family? 

There are things you can do to prepare for different family reactions, if you decide to disclose your identity to them. To do this, you might consider writing down your answers to some of the following questions: 

• How would you want to come out to your family, such as texting, calling, writing a letter, or meeting in person?
• What time might work better for them to learn about challenging news, such as when they are relaxed or at a more random time?
• What would you say to someone you want to come out to?
• How might they react? How would you like them to react?
• How would you respond to their different reactions?
• List adapted from Trevor Project and Psychology Today 

You could also try testing the waters first. For example, you might ask your family members about their thoughts on an LGBTQ+ celebrity or same-sex marriage more generally. From these responses, you may be able to get a sense of how they might respond to you coming out.  

How can you find support outside your family? 

If the conversation with your family doesn’t go the way you’d like it to, you may explore other ways to feel connected, supported, and authentic. You may find support from friends who identify as LGBTQ+ or are supportive of LGBTQ+ issues. Additionally, many people experience being connected with the LGBTQ+ community as important to their well-being. Besides finding community among your immediate friends, some people also choose to get involved in social, cultural, and political LGBTQ+ events and activities in their local area or in online spaces or forums. 

What are some resources you can turn to in the process of coming out? 

The good news is that there are many resources available for folks who are navigating the thin line of being both Catholic and LGBTQ+. In addition to any LGBTQ+ centers in your area, there are some religion-specific resources that you may consider exploring: 

• DignityUSA hosts church-based events for LGBTQ+ Catholics;
• Fortunate Families offers events for families and others to help them better understand the lives of LGBTQ+ Catholics;
• New Way Ministry maintains a list of LGBTQ-friendly parishes or faith communities at different locations;
• Outreach publishes news, essays, and outreach resources related to the LGBTQ+ Catholic community. 

Additionally, your girlfriend might be another great supportive resource. Not only can she support you emotionally, but she might be able to offer suggestions based on her experience of approaching this conversation with her parents.  

Wishing you all the best,