How can I stay safe in a homophobic school?

Dear Worried about Gay-Bashing, 

Coming out is a courageous and self-affirming act! While your situation has levels of complexity and no clear-cut resolution, you do have options. There are several resources and strategies you (and your parents) can consider to help you feel safer at school and with your neighbor. 

What strategies can you implement at school? 

While your school doesn’t have a gay-straight alliance (GSA) organization, it’s possible that there are other student-led organizations that might be welcoming to people with identities like your own. Chances are, based on statistics, there are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and questioning (LGBTQ+) or LGBTQ+-friendly students at your school who may create a safe space for you. Similarly, it might be helpful to find allies amongst the teachers and administration.  

You might try looking in places where the teachers have attended sensitivity training. For example, many schools have multicultural offices, which support the needs of students from diverse backgrounds. Title IX offices may also be available and they support students who’ve experienced sexual harassment and stalking. Finally, sexual violence response (SVR) offices, might also be able to provide support since they support those who’ve been sexually assaulted or abused. Though none of these offices focuses directly on LGBTQ+ populations, their services often support students in these populations. If nothing else, they might be able to connect you with other people do, provide a listening ear, or keep an eye out for you during school hours. They might also support you in working with an organization like the Anti-Defamation League to provide anti-prejudice programs for your school. 

What strategies can you implement with your Neighbor? 

It sounds like your neighbor made you feel uneasy.  Did he ask in an aggressive manner? What do you think his intentions were by asking these questions? Did he mention his gun or threaten violence? Regardless, it might be reason enough for you to make choices to promote your safety. Some options for this may include the following: 

• If you feel comfortable talking to your neighbor, you could try having a conversation with him. Perhaps you could tell him something like you’re “a private person and you don’t feel comfortable answering personal questions.” That being said, don’t feel obligated to talk with him; it’s ultimately your decision whether you choose to do so.  
• If you don’t feel comfortable talking to him, that’s okay, too. No one’s entitled to your private information unless you feel comfortable sharing it. You could try disengaging if he starts uncomfortable conversations with you again. Balancing your safety against your authenticity and mental health is no easy feat. Concealing your sexuality can adversely affect your mental health whereas being open may pose physical harm.  
• If he doesn’t respond to smaller measures or if you would feel safer avoiding any contact with him entirely, you could consider getting a restraining order against him.  

What strategies can you implement with your parents? 

Even when there's no immediate threat, it's common for parents of LGBTQ+ teens to feel some anxiety. It may be helpful for your parents to speak with other parents in similar situations. Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) is a national organization with local chapters—a place for you, your family, and your friends to get support.  

It might also ease your parents' minds to talk specifically about what you would do if an incident were to occur. Who would you tell? How would you react in the moment? Who do you and your parents feel comfortable having and calling on as allies? What do you need from your parents? What kind of assurances do your parents need? You could even come up with scenarios and play them out in your conversation if that helps you to feel more prepared. 

What are some additional resources?  

Many other national and local organizations exist that can provide strategizing help, emotional support, legal advice, and social opportunities, including: 

• LGBT National Help Center: provides peer counseling, information, and referral line that can direct you to other organizations nearby. 
• GLSEN: is a for youth, by youth project that supports and helps network Gay/Straight Alliances across the nation.  
• Outproud: is the National Coalition for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender Youth. 
• Lambda Legal Defense: is the nation's oldest and largest legal organization working for the civil rights of gay men, lesbians and individuals with HIV/AIDS.  

One of the most challenging things to come to terms with is that you can't control anyone else's behavior or beliefs. While creating an LGBTQ+ inclusive space shouldn't be on you alone, finding leaders in your community may help you find a sense of peace that you deserve.  

Best of luck,