How can I stop seeking sexual attention?

Dear Mrs. Robinson, 

Wanting sexual attention or seeking out casual sex can be a normal part of life and sexual exploration. However, if you feel like you’re starting to lose control of your desire or if it’s beginning to negatively affect your mental health or day-to-day, it may be useful to reflect on your reasonings for doing it and consider some alternatives. Read on for more info about sexual attention and casual sex, as well as some ways to understand or change your behaviors if that’s what you decide it best. 

Why do people crave sexual attention? 

It can be natural to crave sexual attention—after all, both sex and attention feel good. Plus, the combination can provide a sense of validation and boost your confidence. There are several personal factors, however, that may determine how much you desire sexual attention. If you're trying to track down the cause of your craving, consider reflecting on questions like: 

• Has anything major happened in your life recently, like a breakup or moving to a new place?
• Which part or parts of hooking up feel best to you? Is it the sex itself, the rush of meeting someone new, or something else entirely?
• What kind of sexual experiences have you had in the past? Were they mostly positive or negative? 

Thinking through some of these questions might help you understand where these urges come from. In some instances, the need for sexual attention may be a symptom of something larger like a mental health concern or past trauma. If you feel this is the case, consider meeting with a mental health professional specializing in sex therapy to discuss further what you’re experiencing. They may be able to help provide you with more insight into why you’re feeling the way you do and help you understand how to move forward. 

Does seeking out sexual attention affect your mental health? 

The mental effects of hookups or casual sex can vary from person to person. Some people may feel good about themselves, empowered, and even benefit from increased confidence without being tied down by a relationship. Others might feel unfulfilled, guilty, or ashamed.  

Having some of these more negative emotions tied to your sexual experiences may come from personal values or can be influenced by cultural norms. Historically, society has placed a shameful stigma on casual hookups and instead normalized and even idealized purity culture, especially among people assigned at female birth (AFAB). As a result, those AFAB are more likely to feel judgement or low self-esteem after casual sex.  

How you feel about sexual encounters may also be influenced by what those around you say or think and how you were raised. When deciphering those feelings, consider your feelings of value and self-respect. Do they come from your own personal beliefs or more from societal pressures? If you find that it’s because of the latter, you may find it helpful to reconsider what hooking up means to you. Spending time exploring your thought patterns may help you divorce the ideas that have been projected onto you up until now from your own thoughts and beliefs.   

What other support options are there? 

If you find that you’re still concerned about your need for sexual attention, and hoping to find ways to mitigate that, there are a variety of different techniques you might try to achieve that including: 

• Bringing a friend when you go to a bar to help focus your attention. Then going home at the same time as them at the end of the night to help keep yourself distracted.
• Finding something else to occupy your evenings if that’s when you feel the biggest urge to seek attention. This could be a hobby, sport, or group related to an interest you have.
• Pursuing a relationship. If you have feelings for anyone in your life, exploring an exclusive relationship could be a different way to channel the same energy you’ve been putting into seeking attention. 

If you begin to feel like the attention seeking is getting to the point where your life is being disrupted, you may find it helpful to seek out support from a mental health professional.   

Here’s to you, Mrs. Robinson!