How can I ask my partner if they have any STIs?

Dear Getting Smarter, 

Bringing up sexually transmitted infections (STIs) with a partner can feel uncomfortable.  But conversations about sexual health are a normal part of having safe and respectful relationships. Practicing effective communication about STI testing and protection can help you both feel more secure and connected before having sex. Read on to learn how to talk to your partner about safer sex, what to do if they’re not willing to engage, and other topics you may want to discuss before having sex. 

How do you talk about STIs and safer sex? 

Talking about STIs and sex can feel awkward at first, but it usually gets easier once you start. It may be helpful to have this conversation before things move to the bedroom. Somewhere neutral, private, and comfortable is best for clear communication. Some people might even weave these discussions into more flirty or intimate conversations, which can make it feel more fun. 

If you don’t know where to start, there are plenty of resources available to help you think through some things you may want to share: 

• Your current STI status, if you have an STI 
• Your STI history 
• Your plan for getting tested and sharing your test results 
• How often you plan on getting tested 

While approaching these conversations, keep in mind that bacterial STIs are typically easily treated. Viral STIs often have effective prevention measures or are manageable to allow for a safe sex life. For example, you can find sources specifically about disclosing herpes.  

Your conversation might also include deciding what type of protection you’ll use, such as condoms, dental dams, or PrEP for HIV prevention. 

How do you approach the conversation about STIs? 

When you do talk, aim for a tone that’s honest but reassuring. Framing things positively can help keep it from feeling like blame or pressure. 

You can share your safe sex practices and ask questions to understand your partner’s practices. It can also help to go first! Some examples of what to say include:  

• “I feel a lot more relaxed and excited when I know we’re both being safe” 
•  “I was tested a week ago and my results were....” 
• “When was the last time you were tested?" 
• "I generally use condoms when I first meet someone. Are you OK with using a condom for now?” 

 Sharing your own testing history or what you usually do to stay safe can make your partner feel more comfortable opening up. You can also share with your partner what types of protections you’d want them to use to help you feel safe. 

These questions might feel a little direct, but they typically help to establish trust and reduce stigma around testing. You can even suggest getting tested together, so it feels like an activity you share instead of something one person handles alone. 

Of course, not every conversation happens under perfect conditions. Sometimes, it might come up in the moment during sex. If things are moving quickly, it’s okay to pause and check in, starting the conversation by saying something like “Hey, do we have protection?” or “Can we pause for a moment, I’d feel better if we used a condom.”  

What can you do if your partner refuses to practice safer sex? 

It can be upsetting when a partner refuses to practice safer sex. Many people grow up hearing that STIs is a “taboo” topic, so conversations about them can bring up embarrassment or shame. It can help to remind your partner that STIs are common and that many are treatable. Watching shows, movies, or videos where characters have safer sex conversations can also help make these discussions feel less intimidating. Some people also learn about STIs through reliable resources such as Planned Parenthood or talking with a health care provider. 

At the same time, your boundaries and safety matter. If your partner repeatedly dismisses your concerns, that can suggest they’re not fully respecting your boundaries. Additionally, if they consistently refuse to practice safer sex when you’ve communicated that it’s important to you, it may be a sign that they’re not the right person to be having sex with. 

What else might you want to know about your partner before having sex? 

You and your partner may want to talk about a variety of things before hopping into bed, not just STI prevention. Some of these things may include how you’d approach an unexpected pregnancy or STI. You may also talk about how you’d like to be with each other, including your preferences, your boundaries, and how you’d like to communicate. These discussions can help build trust and make sure everyone feels understood. 

Even though these conversations can feel awkward, talking openly about safer sex is often linked to making safer sexual decisions and feeling more relaxed before, during, and after sex. Learning to communicate honestly and respectfully is part of building supportive relationships. 

Safety first,