Cite this Response
Alice! Health Promotion. "How can I get over my boyfriend using porn magazines?." Go Ask Alice!, Columbia University, 17 Dec. 2025, https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/how-can-i-get-over-my-boyfriend-using-porn-magazines. Accessed 18, Dec. 2025.
Alice! Health Promotion. (2025, December 17). How can I get over my boyfriend using porn magazines?. Go Ask Alice!, https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/how-can-i-get-over-my-boyfriend-using-porn-magazines.
Dear Alice,
So my problem is that recently (about 6 months ago) I discovered that my boyfriend keeps pornographic magazines. We have been going out for 6 years. Much of that has been long-distance, but we have lived together for the last year. This discovery blew me away in part because until then my only complaint about our relationship was the fact that he didn't want sex nearly as often as I did — so now I'm angry that while I was feeling less than satisfied, physically, he was masturbating, and leaving me out in the cold. Since then, I've also noticed that he only wants to have sex after he's spent some time with his mags.
Given that I am horrified by the mere existence of this kind of material — I'm not going to get into a debate about its legality, but I truly believe it is exploitation worse than slavery. Given this, is there any way to work things out with him? In short, how far am I supposed to stretch my ethics, just because part of me believes that sexually, each of us is free to do what we want??
Girlie queen??
Dear Girlie Queen??,
It sounds like these X-rated images are really making their mark on your relationship. Communication can be the key to repairing these sorts of challenges. By having an open and honest conversation about your concerns, you may open the door to better mutual understanding and a more satisfying relationship. However, while there may be a way to work out your disagreement around porn, you may also decide that to do so would go against your values. How you’d like to proceed in the relationship and what you feel can and can’t be resolved is up to you.
How does using porn affect romantic relationships?
The way that porn affects romantic relationships typically depends on who is using it and how they’re using it. There’s little evidence that higher porn consumption is directly connected to lower sexual desire with a partner. However, research does show that romantic partners who don’t use porn at all or who use it together have more frequent sex. On the other hand, when the porn use is only by one partner or two partners using it separately, there tends to be less sex in the relationship. The jury is still out on what these findings mean, but they may suggest that different porn consumption could mean something is off in the relationship.
How can you handle differing sexual desires in a relationship?
You and your partner may have differing sexual desires when it comes to partnered sex. In these instances, people have taken a variety of approaches to address these concerns. Some choose to take care of their sexual needs on their own, while others have open conversations with their partner about the mismatch. Some may also choose to focus on other kinds of intimate activities they can do with their partner that don’t involve sex. Overall, talking out concerns about sexual activities in a relationship with a partner tends to be a helpful approach for improving sexual and relationship satisfaction. In contrast, ignoring the issue is unlikely to create any change.
As a first step you may consider individually reflecting on your relationship: What are your boundaries around sex in a relationship? What bothers you the most about your boyfriend’s behavior—is it the ethical issues about porn, a feeling of being neglected, or something else? Are there other areas that you don’t feel satisfied with in your relationship?
How can you communicate with your boyfriend about your concerns?
Your boyfriend’s behavior has clearly been weighing on your mind for a while, and having this conversation can be difficult. There are some steps you can follow to take the initiative, which include:
- Thinking about some of the questions you thought through individually, pick one thing that you want to talk about and what you want to get out of the conversation, so you have a place to start.
- Practicing this conversation before, if possible, even if it means talking to yourself in a mirror.
- Finding a time and place to have the conversation that works for both of you rather than spring it on him in the middle of something. You could potentially start by saying something as simple as “I’d like to talk to you about our sex life, are you free to chat now?”
- Starting the conversation in a direct way, such as by thanking him for showing up or agreeing to have the conversation.
- Acknowledging and verbalizing any difficult or uncomfortable feelings as the conversation goes on.
- Framing the conversation as a team effort to solve a problem. For example, you might come up with a sex schedule or brainstorm other intimate activities together, this may even include consuming porn together.
- Focusing on listening to your boyfriend and giving yourself some time before responding.
- Pausing and continuing later when the conversation doesn’t feel productive.
Listed adapted from Psychology Today
Overall, some honest conversations may help you get some things off your chest and allow your boyfriend to respond to your concerns. You may also take this opportunity to discuss the ethics of porn to understand if you’re on the same page regarding personal values, if this is something that’s important to you.
Here’s to communication,