Why was my first time so painful?

Dear Penetration? and Touched by a finger..., 

Being in touch with how you feel during and after sexual activity, both emotionally and physically, can be helpful when communicating with your partner. So, it’s great that you’re asking questions about your experiences. People may feel pain or soreness during, or after, penetrative sex for a multitude of reasons. These reasons can range from difficulties concerning mental health or communication to medical conditions or lack of lubrication. Depending on the cause of discomfort, you may choose to consult a health care professional for further information and resources. If you’re looking for steps to improve your sex life, consider discussing your feelings with your partner. You might also explore what makes you feel good through masturbation, foreplay, different sex positions, and use of lube. Continue reading to learn more about potential causes of your discomfort and ways it may be improved.  

Why might penetrative sex be painful? 

Both physical and mental factors can impact sexual comfort and enjoyment. Some examples of physical factors can include: 

• Lack of lubrication or arousal: For various reasons, your body may not be producing enough lubrication naturally. Lubrication often helps with having pleasurable sex. 
• Emotional difficulties or mental health: Nervousness, stress, depression, anxiety, and a history of sexual abuse may all disrupt arousal.  
• Insufficient communication: Not being able to communicate, or discuss discomfort, with your partner may be an obstacle interfering with your pleasure.  
• Medical conditions: There are some medical conditions that can lead to painful sex.  Dyspareunia is a condition that describes painful intercourse. The pain may be associated with penetration or with thrusting movements. It could present as throbbing, burning, or aching and may persist after sexual intercourse is completed. Vaginismus is a condition where the muscles of the vaginal wall constrict in anticipation of, or in response to penetration, causing a stinging feeling. 
• Vaginal defects: Some people are born with vaginas that aren’t fully formed—known as vaginal agenesis. Alternatively, people may also have experienced trauma that impacts their vaginal structure. These defects could lead to difficulties with penetration. 
• Hymen stretching or tearing: The hymen, which is the tissue found around the vaginal opening, is often flexible and will stretch to accommodate penetration. It may tear due to daily activities or sexual penetration, and largely goes unnoticed; however, some may experience light bleeding and pain. There are some conditions that impact the shape of hymen, which could result in difficulties with penetration. 

Some examples of mental factors can include: 

• Emotional difficulties or mental health: Nervousness, stress, depression, anxiety, and a history of sexual abuse may all disrupt arousal.  
• Insufficient communication: Not being able to communicate, or discuss discomfort, with your partner may be an obstacle interfering with your pleasure. 

It’s important to keep in mind that all bodies are unique and there may be another explanation for what you’re feeling. Contacting a health care provider may be the best course of action to identify what’s causing the discomfort.  

How can you have more enjoyable sex? 

Having sex with a partner means that you both share responsibility when it comes to communicating and comfort. On the journey to having enjoyable and satisfying sex, reflecting on what makes you feel good could help you when talking to your partner(s) about what’s working, and what isn’t. Some ways you may be able to have more pleasurable sex include: 

• Masturbating: Exploring what types of stimulation get you aroused may be a good way to get to know your body better. This could help you communicate to a partner what feels good and what you would like them to do during sex. 
• Upping communication: Communicating to your partner what you’re feeling during sex can be a way to keep you both on the same page and make the most of the experience. You may find it helpful to plan out what you want to say by writing it down or talking about it with a trusted friend or family member. 
• Increasing or introducing foreplay: Foreplay may be another way to help you (and your partner) feel more aroused before having sex. You may want to try out different forms of foreplay to find out what gets you in the mood.  
• Trying different positions: Some sex positions may feel more pleasurable than others. Talking to your partner about trying new positions or forms of sex, such as oral sex, may be another way to discover what works best for you. 
• Using lube: Using lubrication may be another way to make penetrative sex more comfortable. Sometimes your body’s natural lubrication production may not be enough to give you maximum comfort, so having a stash of lube at your disposal could come in handy.  

When it comes to having more pleasurable penetrative sex there are various ways to make that possible. However, figuring out why you’re experiencing the pain can be a helpful first step in addressing it. If you find that these suggestions don’t quell your pain, consider visiting a health care provider to understand if there’s a medical explanation for what you’re experiencing.  

Wishing you the best of luck,