Why can't or won't my boyfriend cry?

Dear Brittany, 

Having a different communication and coping style from your partner can be challenging. It may be helpful to explore how you value specific emotional expressions in your relationship. Not crying doesn’t necessarily mean your boyfriend needs to see a mental health professional because there are many reasons why people might not cry. If your boyfriend is concerned about his ability to express emotions, or his emotional distance is affecting your relationship, finding support may be helpful.  

Why do some people not cry?  

Although crying is a natural emotional response to a range of life situations, not everyone cries. Men may face social stigma that deems crying or other forms of emotional expression as “weak” or “feminine.” Receiving that message can have lasting effects and impact on how they express themselves. If someone is criticized enough for crying or taught that crying is wrong, especially when at a young age, they may learn to stop doing it all together.   

However, crying can be a way to process difficult or upsetting emotions. Some people may learn to not cry as a defense mechanism against unpleasant feelings or emotions. Other possible reasons people might not cry include:  

• History of trauma 
• PTSD 
• Depression 
• Experiences of abuse  
• Other mental health challenges 
• Medical conditions or medications  

One, many, or none of these reasons are potentially true for your partner. It’s also possible that your partner may cry or process emotions in private. People have varying degrees of comfort with emotional expression, and it could change depending on the context of the situation. 

How might differences in emotional expression affect relationships? 

By asking your question, you’re already showing curiosity about your partners’ emotional expression. You mentioned how it’s hard for you to understand why your boyfriend may not cry in response to relationship challenges when you would. One potential explanation for this could be attachment or coping style differences between you and your partner.  

Attachment style refers to how people show connectedness with others. These styles are first formed by the relationship between primary caregivers and young children and can show up in adult relationships. These styles impact communication and connection. For example, if your partner was taught by their caregivers to shut down emotions or avoid conflict, those behaviors may show up in your relationship. It may not feel natural to talk about their feelings and could come across as unemotional.   

Differing personalities can also influence how you and your partner express yourselves, which in turn can lead to disconnection. Some people (like yourself) may tend to be more consciously emotionally expressive. It could be the case that someone who struggles with expressing their emotions may not be aware they struggle with it. It’s also possible that there’s no particular reason why your boyfriend expresses himself in this way.  

How can you communicate with your partner when you have different forms of expression? 

Your partner’s ability and willingness to communicate may depend on how they feel they will be received. It may be helpful to think about how you and your partner can create an environment that allows for communication that helps you both feel comfortable.  

To help you get started, you may reflect on a few questions. How might he currently communicate or express himself to you? Have there been instances where your partner has been clearer than others, and what made those situations different? 

It may be worth considering how important it is to you that your boyfriend expresses himself in a specific way. Answering these questions could help you decide how to have a conversation with your partner about communication or other steps you decide to take in the relationship. 

How can you help your partner reflect on their emotions? 

If your boyfriend is open to a conversation, you may want to ask him some reflective questions to understand his point of view and reasoning. Does he feel like he is able to express himself and his emotions comfortably? Does he often feel like he has to bottle things up during distressing situations?  

It’s possible that your boyfriend may not be ready to reflect or answer these questions, and that is okay. Talking to a mental health professional can help create a safe space to express and work through emotions and also help understand emotions. You can also suggest it as something you and your partner can do together to help learn ways to communicate with each other that meet both of your needs.  

With open communication,