When is it appropriate to stop using condoms in a relationship?

Dear One at a Time?, 

Congratulations on this new relationship! It’s great that you’re speaking openly with each other about your sexual histories—and hopefully about your sexually transmitted infection (STI) statuses, too. The decision to stop using condoms is a personal and complex one.  Read on to arm yourself with more information that will hopefully help you and your partner discuss whether continuing to use a condom is the right choice for you. 

What are condoms used for?  

Condoms are used as a protective measure against STIs and pregnancy. Whether it’s “safe to stop using condoms” depends on you and your boyfriend’s goals.  

If you’re concerned about getting an STI, you might want to consider continuing to use condoms or other barrier methods. Barrier methods are the only ones that prevent transmission of STIs.  

If you want to prevent pregnancy, you might consider continuing to use condoms or use other birth control methods such as:  

• Medication or Long-acting reversible contraceptive options including pills, IUDs, implants, patches, and injections 
• Lifestyle options like withdrawal or fertility awareness 
• Surgical options such as a tubal ligation and vasectomy 

It’s important to note that many hormonal methods can take a week or more to become effective.  

Does being monogamous or exclusive reduce the risk of STIs?  

You mention that you have been seeing your boyfriend for four weeks. Have you and your boyfriend discussed being monogamous, or having sex with only each other? In theory, if you’re each other’s exclusive sexual partner, the risk of contracting an STI is lowered.  

That said, in life things are often trickier than that. For example, many people practice what’s called ‘serial monogamy’. This means you only have sex with one person at a time, for a limited period, before having sex with someone else. While serial monogamy is a common relationship pattern for many, the drawback is thinking you're unable to contract an STI simply because you're monogamous. Serial monogamists often have more total sexual partners than people who are “true” monogamists—those who only have one lifelong sexual partner. Having more sexual partners, who may have their own diverse sexual past, increases your risk of getting an STI. 

Additionally, even if you and your partner have agreed on being in a monogamous relationship, sex outside of the relationship sometimes still happens. It might be a good idea to still get tested regularly and have open and honest conversations with your sexual partner(s) about your relationship. To that end, consider discussing a game plan in the event that one of you has an unplanned sexual encounter outside your relationship as well as discussing your most recent sexual encounter prior to each other.  

Why do monogamous couples stop using condoms?  

There are several reasons people in a monogamous couple decide to stop using condoms, including: 

• Fit and sensation: Some people feel that sex with condoms is less pleasurable, which may be due to using an improper size. It might be helpful to know that there are different kinds of condoms both in terms of sizing and texture that you might try out to modify sensation. 
• Lowered perceived STI risk: some also feel that once they enter a monogamous couple, there’s a reduced risk of developing an STI, given that they’ve potentially reduced the number of people they’re having sex with.   
• Distrust in condoms: some people worry about the efficacy of condoms and the probability of breakage and therefore are simply more comfortable with other methods like hormonal birth control. While it’s true that condom use requires correct use every time, when used correctly, they’re 98 percent effective. 
• Increased intimacy: Some couples decide to stop using condoms as their relationship becomes more serious in order to demonstrate their intimacy, exclusivity, or trust in each other. However, there are also couples that continue to use condoms for extended periods to reduce the chance of pregnancy.  

What should you and your partner discuss or consider before making this decision? 

It’s great that you and your boyfriend have talked about past relationships! Communicating about each other's pasts is a key part of protecting yourselves.  

While you’re in a sharing mood, you and your partner might want to discuss why you’re interested in moving away from condoms. Understanding each of your concerns and goals can help you two find the right choice moving forward. 

You might also consider getting tested for STIs and sharing your results with each other prior to making a decision. Keep in mind that even if someone is totally honest about their past and test results, there’s always the possibility that they have an STI that has no symptoms or is not yet detectible by a test.  

Whatever you decide to do, what’s important is that you and your partner are both fully on board with the decision. The choice to stop using condoms is something that affects both of you, and you can always re-introduce condoms as your feelings change. Keeping the door to this conversation can help to reassess your feelings and goals throughout your relationship. 

Wishing you the best,