What should I do if I'm attracted to someone besides my boyfriend?

Dear Dreaming,  

While it might feel like it, this isn't a relationship nightmare. It’s incredibly common to be attracted to and dream about people other than your partner while in a relationship. Your bodily reflexes don’t know you’re monogamous, so it’s not unusual that your attention is still being drawn to attractive people. However, if you notice your crush is consuming your waking hours too, it might reveal that something’s missing in your current relationship. Communicating with your partner about your unmet needs can help crush any further relationship anxieties.  

How common is it to have a crush on someone other than your partner?  

Recent research suggests that a lot of people in compatible monogamous relationships have had a crush on someone other than their partner at some point in their relationship. Humans are evolutionarily wired to focus their attention and feel a physical response to people they find attractive. It’s like a built-in (and sometimes unwanted) matchmaking service pointing us to potential partners. This response doesn’t stop just because you’re in a relationship.  

Research shows that there's no correlation between having a crush on someone besides your partner and relationship satisfaction. This includes sexual satisfaction, intimacy, or commitment levels. These relationships aren’t more likely to break up than those where both partners only have eyes for each other. So don’t worry, your desire doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed.  

What does it mean if you’re having sex dreams about someone who isn’t your partner? 

Having dreams about someone else is common for everyone, including among people in relationships. These dreams don’t mean you want to cheat on your partner. When you dream, your brain is working creatively, integrating new memories and old experiences. This produces unrealistic situations that the dreamer can’t control, and which don’t necessarily reflect their desires.  

People also tend to have more dreams and are more likely to remember their dreams when they’re stressed. So, if you’re stressed about your crush, you may be more likely to have dreams where you might just be kissing him.  

What could your attraction to someone else potentially reveal about your current relationship?   

Although crushes usually aren’t relationship deal-breakers, they can help you identify whether something’s missing in your current relationship. If your fantasies revolve around kissing and sex with this other person, it could reveal that you’re not satisfied with the level of intimacy you have with your partner. If the person you’re dreaming about is more spontaneous than your partner, you might be craving a little more excitement in your relationship. Reflecting on what exactly attracts you to your crush could actually help you build a deeper connection with your partner.  

You also might want to think about the level of attraction you feel towards this other person, and whether it’s impacting your behavior. Do you find yourself thinking about them more than your partner? Do you go out of your way to spend time with them? If you find yourself intensely attracted to this other person, that could be a sign that you aren’t satisfied in your current relationship.  

To keep a light-hearted crush from becoming something more serious, consider boundaries that you can set with yourself and the person you’re attracted to. For example, you might consider limiting the amount of time you spend with them if you notice you’re actively seeking their company.  

How can you communicate your feelings and needs to your partner?   

If your crush helps you identify something that you’re missing in your current relationship, discussing these unmet needs with your partner may help resolve the underlying cause. This communication might feel uncomfortable at first, but it could ultimately help the two of you build a stronger connection. Taking your time to collect your thoughts, giving your full attention to your partner, and actively listening to his feelings can help create a dynamic where both of you can comfortably share your perspectives. Consider working together to identify some concrete ways you can address these needs.   

Whether you directly tell your partner about your crush depends on your individual relationship. However, this could be an opportunity to discuss what monogamy means for each of you. How do you define cheating? Do you want to know about each other’s attraction to other people? This conversation could help diffuse any guilt you may feel about your current crush. It could also help create a dynamic in which both you and your partner understand that attraction to others is normal and not necessarily harmful. 

So, while being attracted to someone other than your partner could be a mirror reflecting unmet desires in your current relationship, it could also be a simple biological attraction. At the end of the day, this crush isn’t a crisis, but it could be a chance to grow closer to your partner.