What does it mean if I desire anal sex?

Dear Reader, 

While only you can decide what your fantasies mean for you and your sexuality, it’s fairly common for people of all sexual orientations to enjoy or be curious about anal play. Many heterosexual (straight) people have anal sex, whether they’re taking the reins (as the insertive partner) or they’re along for the ride (as the receptive partner). Some people who identify as straight may even have anal sex with people of the same gender or sex. Fantasizing about, desiring, or engaging in anal sex doesn’t mean you have to slap on a new label—what matters most is what feels good and right for you. That said, openly communicating with your partner could bring you two closer together, and maybe even lead to exciting new sexual experiences!

How can people’s sexual desires and sexual orientation differ? 

Someone’s sexual orientation is the way they identify their attraction to others. People may identify as heterosexual or queer (more specifically gay, lesbian, bisexual, etc). However, sexual desires don’t always fit neatly into these groupings. Fantasies, kinks, and turn-ons may not align with some people’s labels, while for others these sexual behaviors make sense within those categorizations.

Additionally, many people recognize differences between sexual and romantic attraction. Some people may feel sexually attracted to individuals of a certain sex or gender while feeling no romantic attraction towards them, or vice versa. For instance, there are men who have sex with men who identify as straight.

Why is anal sex pleasurable?

Anal sex can include touching the outside of the anus (outside), as well as penetrating into the anal canal and rectum (inside) with a penis, finger, tongue, or toy. Many people enjoy anal sex because both the anus and anal canal and rectum are lined with nerve endings that can produce feelings of pleasure when stimulated. In people assigned male at birth, anal penetration may stimulate the prostate gland, which is also full of nerve endings and can result in pleasure when pressure is applied.

How can you experiment with anal sex?  

If you decide to experiment with anal play, some tips you might consider are: 

• Preparing beforehand.  Consider passing a bowel movement around half an hour to an hour beforehand or taking a shower with special attention to the anus.
• Starting small. You might find it more comfortable to start by touching the outside of the anus before experiencing penetration. If you choose to move on to penetration, consider starting with small objects, such as a finger or a small butt plug with a flattened base.
• Lubing it up. Generously applying a silicone- or water-based lubricant can reduce friction and increase comfort during anal penetration. 
• Continuously communicating. If you’re playing with a partner, communication is key for a good and consenting time. Before you get to it, you may want to discuss expectations. During the experience, you might ask what’s working for each of you and what isn’t.
• Keeping an open mind. During your first time experimenting with anal play, you might decide that it’s not for you, that you’d like to try again later, or that you love it. Any of these responses is natural and completely valid. The most important thing is to listen to your body and explore at your own pace without pressure or expectations. 

How might you discuss anal play with your partner (and yourself)?   

Bringing up a new sexual interest can be intimidating, but open and honest communication is key to a compatible relationship. Some tips for navigating a productive conversation with your partner are: 

• Choosing the right time and place. Find a moment when you both feel relaxed and comfortable. Avoid bringing it up in the heat of the moment or during an argument.
• Being honest. You might start with something like, “I’ve been thinking about exploring something new sexually and I’d love to talk to you about it.” This can help keep the conversation open without pressure.
• Giving your partner space to respond. Your partner might need time to process, ask questions, or share their thoughts and boundaries. Be patient and respect your partner’s feelings. 

No matter how the conversation goes, approaching it with honesty and respect can help strengthen your relationship—whether it leads to an exciting new experience or a better understanding of each other’s desires.

You might also find it useful to reflect on your desires, especially since you indicate that some don’t involve your current partner. What specifically excites you and what are you interested in trying? How do these fantasies fit into your overall sense of identity? If you think it's more useful to discuss these with someone else, you might consider meeting with a mental health professional. Consider finding one specialized in sex therapy who can help you navigate the conversations with your partner. They can also help you think through what you’d be interested in trying. This may be just what you need to get the ball rolling!

Happy exploring,