Should I start a relationship with someone who has a terminal illness?

Dear Reader, 

It’s a wonderful thing to have found someone with whom you get along. Of course, things aren’t always as easy as we’d like them to be. You’re facing a difficult situation because instead of being able to enter a relationship with hopes for the future, you’re faced with thinking about it ending. Since everyone’s relationship with death is personal, there's unfortunately no right or wrong answer to your question—it's about what feels right to you. Read on for more information about what you might anticipate from a relationship with someone who’s terminally ill as well as how you might navigate making a decision. 

How will dating someone with a terminal illness affect the quality of your relationship? 

You mention that you would be “screwing yourself over” by dating someone who doesn’t have that long to live. However, cancer can be both a source of stress in a relationship and something that bonds people together. Research shows that couples in which one person has cancer aren’t at greater risk of separation or divorce than the greater population of couples. This suggests that there might be something people find valuable in these relationships even if they have limited time together.  

For couples who separate due to cancer, research has found that the positive things they learned from the relationship—like being able to rely on a partner and sharing a sense of togetherness and strength—are transferred to their new relationships with other people. It’s an entirely valid decision to not get involved with someone who’s dying for any reason. That said, it might be helpful to know that entering a relationship with someone who has cancer isn’t necessarily doomed from the start. Additionally, even if you break up or have to deal with their passing, you might learn lessons that will enrich your future romantic endeavors. 

What are some considerations before entering a relationship? 

You might find that thinking through your hopes and expectations from a relationship can help empower you to make a decision that feels right to you. You mention that your potential partner has three to five years left to live:  

• Does this feel like a short period to you? If so, are you ok with having a short (although potentially meaningful) relationship? Or are you at a point in your life where you want a longer relationship?  
• Have you thought about how knowing that this person is going to die affects the way you show up in the relationship?  
• Is there a certain lifestyle you are hoping to have? How do you anticipate your partner’s illness affecting your ability to have that kind of lifestyle? 
• Are you comfortable potentially becoming a caregiver?  
• Are you prepared to potentially provide emotional or logistical support when it comes to your partner’s death?  
• Do you have people in your life you can lean on when times are hard?  

As you’re thinking about these questions and considering what moving forward with this relationship might be like, it’s common to experience something called “anticipatory grief”. Anticipatory grief involves emotionally or mentally preparing for a major loss even before it happens. This can be a natural response to knowing about someone’s illness, but it can also cause you distress and interfere with your ability to be “present”.  

How can you maintain your well-being while supporting a terminally ill partner? 

Focusing on someone else’s well-being can make it more difficult to prioritize your own. You may want to figure out avenues of support that can be leveraged for yourself, including friends, family, mental health providers, or support groups. For more information on cancer support groups, including how to get involved in one, feel free to check out resources from the National Cancer Institute for more information.   

This may be a difficult decision to make. However, speaking with your potential partner might be a great way to identify shared goals for a relationship and understand his goals and expectations over the next three to five years as well. Hopefully after exploring how you might feel in this relationship, getting his perspective, and potentially seeking advice from a mental health provider, you might feel closer to an answer that feels right to you. 

Wishing you the best,