Prolonging arousal/Lasting longer


Dear Alice,

What is the best way to learn how to prolong male orgasm when having intercourse? It seems that I might get thirty seconds of penetration before I blow my top. I'd like it if I could enjoy the situation and add to my partner's pleasure by helping her orgasm.



Dear Alice,

I just wrote asking about how I might prolong my orgasm so that my girlfriend might be able to reach hers. I've read through your archives extensively, so I've seen all the "orgasm is personal and shouldn't be concentrated on" so I've seen that and whatever. I just want one issue discussed: how to prolong MYSELF to please her. I'm looking for answers such as: exercises, workouts, diets, surgery (jk). Please help me please her.

— e.e. cumming too soon

ps: Thanks so much, your service is awesome!

Dear Help!! and e.e. cumming too soon,

It seems that both of you are describing two issues: one is lasting longer before you orgasm, and the other is helping your partner orgasm. First, orgasm is a learned response. People learn what kind of stimulations and touching effectively brings them to orgasm. Think about what stimulates your rapid-response pattern and consider trying other types of touch and stimulation (slower, softer, faster, etc.); variation can introduce new pleasures, and may help turn-off an autopilot orgasm response.

Some men may have learned to reach orgasm rapidly because they had no privacy when they were young and needed to finish masturbating quickly, before someone walked in. Yet, many men also consider it desirable to extend their pleasure and the pleasure of their partner(s). If you want to learn to last longer, your challenge is to increase the amount of time you spend in arousal.

You might try the "Stop-Start" method. For example, when you feel you are approaching the point of no return, stop what you are doing with and to your partner, and just do nothing, or hold each other, until the urge to ejaculate subsides. Then start again and stop again when you feel you are approaching orgasm. It may take a few tries to identify the point of no return, and to stop before then, but you do have the rest of your life to practice and "get it right." You might try telling your partner when you need her to slow down or stop her movements for the moment, try having sex with her on top, and relaxing for a couple of seconds.

The second issue that you raise is the pressure you feel to help your partner orgasm. It might help to increase communication with your partner about both of your experiences during intercourse. Have you spoken with her about what you want? Have you asked her about what she wants? You can't read your partner's mind (nor can she read yours) and you might find that her answers surprise you. By sharing and exploring your desires you can enhance both of your sexual experiences. One way to start the conversation may be to buy a book and read about new positions, techniques, and methods together.

Lasting longer can take patience and practice. Hopefully, these suggestions will help you and your partner reach new heights!

Last updated Feb 26, 2015
Originally published Feb 02, 1996

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