Phone sex: Getting started

Dear Alice,

My boyfriend and I live on opposites sides of the world. We have joked about phone sex, but I am really shy, so I don't know how to approach it. How would I initiate it over the phone?

Dear Reader, 

Phone sex is no laughing matter to many couples who, for job, school, military, or other reasons, can't be intimate in person. Tele-fooling around can be a relationship-booster and gives new meaning to the term "hotline." That said, phone sex, even for partners who frequently partake, can be a bit of a challenge to dial it in for even the most adventurous to initiate at first — and often gets easier with practice. This makes sense since sex usually involves at least two people touching each other in some way: hugging, kissing, caressing, inserting, receiving, and so on. Then there's the eye contact, absent during phone sex unless you've experimented with video chat. Plus, most phone use is nonsexual. No wonder you feel shy about pushing your boyfriend's buttons — but you might have already picked up the receiver to make that telephonic connection.

If you think about it, the two of you have already placed the phone sex call by joking about it, which at least raised the possibility of doing it. Broaching the subject again could help you get a sense of interest and enthusiasm. Maybe you could stay on that line with, "Hey Buttercup, remember our phone sex idea... Well...?" However either of you bring it up, if you're both into trying it, it might help to close your eyes and imagine that the other is right there next to you. You could turn off the lights, put on some sexy music... create an environment that sets the mood, which could even mean getting naked. And while you're both at it, you could also prep for the call by getting in touch with yourself as if you were starting to masturbate. A little phone foreplay might make it feel more natural to start the sexual connection on the phone because it would really be a continuation of what's already begun. 

Now that you're in the mood, here are some words that might ring your boyfriend's bell and keep him on the line for a long time: 

  • "Operator, I need some assistance."
  • "What are you wearing... or not wearing?"  
  • "Your voice makes me __________." 
  • "I love when you put your __________ on/in my __________. " 
  • "The next time I see you, I'm going to __________." 
  • "Is that a phone in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" 

You could also forego some of the spontaneity by making a phone sex date so that both of you know the general plan and might think ahead of time about what you can do when you answer or make the call(s). On that note, you may decide how far or fast you want to go into the telephonic sexy talk, perhaps taking it slow may actually be a turn-on! Or maybe, simply the knowledge that your lover is on the line without too many words while adding your own personal touch(ing) could really rev your respective engines. It’s also good to check-in periodically throughout to ensure that your partner is still an enthusiastic hotline caller no matter how the conversation is flowing. Doing so may also give you both a chance to communicate likes, dislikes, switch up, or stop the chit-chat if needed. It's key to remember that you or your partner can revoke your consent to phone sex at any time, for any reason, and have the right to have your decision be respected. 

If after all is said and dialed you try some of these ideas and the reception is not so great, not to fret! Every relationship is unique and what helps you and your partner maintain intimacy might not be the same as another. If nothing else, having tried phone sex may have helped you both learn a bit more about what works for the two of you so that you can continue the sex-ploration together! 

Hope these suggestions help! Gotta go now. Is that a call coming through? It’s giving off serious vibes…zzzzzzz.

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