How do I learn to love?

Dear Loveless, 

You’re not alone in your wonderings about love. In addition to love being a complex emotional experience that includes feelings such as (but certainly not limited to) affection and care, it comes in various forms and presents itself differently depending on who you’re experiencing it with. Whether thinking about romantic or familial love or showing love through physical affection and compliments, open communication plays a significant role in building a relationship in which both parties feel cared for and respected. Keep reading to learn about types of love, love languages, pursuing relationships, and open communication. 

What is love? 

Love is a word used to describe an experience or emotion tied to feelings of affection, intimacy, care, commitment, and closeness. While this broad definition is commonly agreed upon, how love is expressed and how it functions has less agreement. More research may be needed to provide a more thorough definition.  

For many, love is a reciprocal experience, in which they give love to a person and receive it in return. This is separate from the transactional nature you’ve described in which love is conditional on what you have done for that person. 

Typically, people across languages and cultures seem to differentiate kinds of love by: 

• Friendship love: A type of love involving intimacy, fondness, trust, and varying degrees of commitment.  
• Familial love: Like friendships, intimacy and fondness are typically present in this form of love. Feelings of kinship and attachment may also be involved. 
• Romantic or passionate love: This form of love includes feelings of physical attraction, longing, desire for physical closeness, and varying degrees of commitment and intimacy. 

List adapted from Annual Review of Psychology and Verywell Mind 

Love may have biological and cultural origins, explaining why it’s experienced with different people for different reasons.  

How do people show love? 

People may show love in different ways, depending on their mood, the environment, and the relationship. For example, people likely show their love for a platonic friend differently than they would for someone with whom they’re in a romantic relationship.  

Some people find using the five love languages to be helpful in explaining how they tend to give and receive love. These love languages include: 

• Words of affirmation  
• Quality time 
• Gift giving or receiving 
• Acts of service  
• Physical touch 

There’s mixed research about how well these languages correlate with the success of a relationship, but many people find them useful as a starting point to talk about how they tend to love or be loved. Because what you want can change, even from one moment to the next, open communication (more on this later!) with a loved one is needed. 

How can you communicate in a relationship? 

Open communication, or discussing feelings and thoughts as they arise, is a key feature of mutually respectful and enjoyable relationships. Communication is how you can make your wants and boundaries known.  

When entering a new relationship, or considering a current relationship, some open communications tips to consider include: 

• Planning what you want to say: Thinking or writing about what you want to say to a loved one is one way to help organize your thoughts. You may also find it beneficial to practice what you want to say to a trusted other. 
• Listening carefully: Intentionally listening to what your loved one is saying by reflecting back what you’re understanding is one way to do this. Try to pivot your attention to your loved one’s words and expressions if you find yourself planning what you want to say next instead of listening while they are talking. 
• Take responsibility: After making a mistake, reflecting on its impact (whether it was intentional or otherwise) and taking ownership of it may help you maintain relationships.  
• Don’t get stuck on the resolution: A conversation may not be enough to entirely clear up a conflict. Ending a conversation with a clear sense of what you and the other think is a way to help you set up the next steps of a resolution.  

List adapted from Verywell Mind 

How can you pursue loving relationships? 

Relationships that are mutually respectful and compatible often take some trial and error. You may find that it takes time to find those you click with best. You’ve mentioned not pursuing relationships as an adult because of your previous experiences. It seems that you’ve done a lot of reflecting on what you don’t think love should feel like. You may also benefit from thinking about what you want love to feel like in different contexts. Focusing on what you do want may be more motivating if you want to work toward pursuing relationships. If you want to pursue new relationships, reminding yourself of all the ways love can present itself may be encouraging. 

Discussing your feelings about love with someone you feel comfortable with may help you open yourself up to something new. If you don’t have someone you’re comfortable talking to or would benefit from a more structured conversation, you may choose to discuss it further with a mental health professional.  

Communication is a critical piece of the relationship puzzle and often helps to solve any issues that arise. However, if open communication doesn’t resolve these issues, you may think about how you’d like the relationship to move forward. Thinking about what you want from a relationship can encourage you to take the leap and try something new with someone.  

Wishing you luck in the pursuit of love!