How can I find support as a gay student in New York?

Dear LL, 

Firstly, welcome to the United States (US), New York City (NYC), and Columbia! 

It can be tricky to navigate the conflicting feelings that may arise from being in a “free” environment, especially when the messages you’re getting about being gay are mixed. Many lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (LGBTQ+) folks have questions similar to yours, so thank you for sharing! Universities often have resources and student groups for LGBTQ+ communities in addition to communities and resources separate from the university setting. Since you mention that you haven’t told your parents about your sexual orientation, you may find it useful to think (or continue to think) about what “coming out” to them would mean for you and your well-being. Finally, learning more about testing frequently, engaging in safer sex practices, and communicating with partners could help you understand and protect yourself from contracting HIV and AIDS. 

Universities often have a couple of resources available for their LGBTQ+ students, including: 

• Student groups 
• Clubs 
• Mental health support 

At Columbia University, there are several student groups available for you to get involved with. When it comes to other colleges or universities, check out your school's website or contact a campus representative to understand if similar resources are available. 

That said, school isn’t the only place to connect with other LGBTQ+ folks. The larger community where your school is housed may have other opportunities to find support. Finding community among those with similar identities to yours may bring you comfort and a sense of acceptance. In NYC, The LGBT Community Center is a great place to find connections. There are also a number of other LGBTQ+ resources in New York that may be worth checking out. Similar resources and centers also exist on national and local levels for other communities. These resources may even be helpful for “coming out.”  

You mention that you’re not out to your parents and ultimately, the decision is up to you if and how you share that information with them. When deciding whether to come out to them, it may be helpful to consider if potential disapproval may put you at risk. The possible “risks” may be specific to your individualized situation and could include loss of monetary support, emotional support, or physical harm. If you find that you aren’t comfortable coming out to your parents, you might consider if you’re comfortable pursuing a romantic relationship with a man without informing them. Thinking through these factors could help you decide your next steps. It may also be helpful to speak to a mental health care provider who can support you in all things coming out and beyond.  

Some resources specific to coming out that you may find helpful include: 

• The Trevor Project: The Coming Out Handbook  
• The Human Rights Campaign: Coming Out 
• National Coalition of Anti-violence Programs 

Finally, to address your AIDS anxieties, while gay and bisexual men are the group most impacted by HIV in the US, anyone can take precautions to reduce the risk of transmission. HIV is a virus spread through contact with bodily fluids such as semen, blood, vaginal fluids, and breast milk. Unprotected sex, specifically anal sex, is the most common way of passing on the virus. While there isn’t a cure for HIV, medication like post-exposure prophylaxis (PEP) can be taken up to 72 hours after potential exposure to help reduce the chances of contracting HIV. Additionally, if you do test positive for HIV, treatment options such as antiretroviral therapy (ART) can be taken to greatly reduce the amount of HIV in the blood. Only untreated HIV can progress into AIDS.  

Additionally, there are several ways to reduce the risk of infection, including: 

• Communicating with your partner(s) about getting tested. 
• Using pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP). 
• Getting tested for HIV at least once a year (getting tested two to four times is recommended for those who have sex with multiple people) 
• Using condoms. 
• Practicing oral sex rather than anal or vaginal sex. 

List adapted from The National Institutes of Health  

Regardless of your sexuality, practicing safer sex and communicating with your partner(s) is always recommended!  

Sharing your experiences can be difficult to do, especially when you feel afraid and you’re navigating new waters. Community support is a beautiful experience that you may find extremely valuable and may help you find your place as you embark on a new adventure at Columbia.  

Wishing you the best of luck in NYC and Columbia!