By Alice || Edited by Go Ask Alice Editorial Team || Last edited Nov 18, 2022
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Alice! Health Promotion. "Girlfriend won't swallow." Go Ask Alice!, Columbia University, 18 Nov. 2022, https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/girlfriend-wont-swallow. Accessed 11, Jun. 2024.

Alice! Health Promotion. (2022, November 18). Girlfriend won't swallow. Go Ask Alice!, https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/girlfriend-wont-swallow.

Dear Alice,

My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year, and I love her very much. We have a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship, and we communicate well. Recently, I told her of my fantasy of her performing oral sex on me and swallowing my sperm. She said that would be "gross," and has never brought me to climax during oral sex because she does not want me to come in her mouth. I perform oral sex for her, and I enjoy having her sexual fluids on my face and tasting them. We have discussed sexual fantasies before and have pleased each other very much. But she will still not accept my sperm in her mouth, and I feel like she does not want to accept a part of me into her body -- that she does not have the fullest desire to please me. When I first asked her to do it, I expected her to want to pleasure me, to have desire for my penis. Now, I feel like she thinks my body is not desirable. My question is: what must I do or say to make her change her mind, to make her understand how much I wish she'd do this?

Signed,
B.J.

Dear B.J.,

It's great that you and your girlfriend have such a fulfilling sex life. That being said, there are many reasons that she may not be interested in swallowing your semen during oral sex. From your description, it sounds like she does perform oral sex on you, but ejaculating in her mouth has been her expressed boundary with this particular activity. Everyone is entitled to their boundaries when it comes to sexual activity, and this is one that she has set for your relationship. While that may be a fantasy for you, not wanting to swallow your semen doesn't necessarily correlate with her desire for you or her desire to please you. If this is a really important part of your sexual relationship, trying to understand more about where she is coming from may be helpful to understand if this is something you can get past together. 

There are probably many reasons why your girlfriend chooses not to swallow your semen. Some people worry about possibly not liking the taste or texture. Others worry about gagging and vomiting, or getting sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Some people may also simply not like it, and that's okay too. Rather than coming at it from an accusatory perspective, you could ask her about the reasons she's not interested in swallowing semen from a "I want to learn" attitude. Similarly, you may think about gently expressing to her not just what you want, but what it means to you. Communicating in this manner won't guarantee a change in her behavior, and this isn't the goal of your conversation However, being open and expressing your needs and desire with your partner could foster greater understanding, and even intimacy, in your relationship.

In the meantime, you could focus on all the ways your girlfriend does show you that she cares for, accepts, and loves you, rather than on what you're not getting from her. Be aware of, and respect, her wants, and needs, while still acknowledging your own. Similarly, when you go down on her, do it because you want to, not as proof of your love, or as a trade-off, or investment, in what she might do for you in return in the future. 

"Accepting your sperm in her mouth" is not a test of love. It is a sexual behavior that your partner does not choose to do at this time. This doesn't mean that she doesn't care for you, nor does it reflect her desire to give you pleasure. Your partner chooses to show her love in ways that are different from you, and that's ok! 

Oral sex, either on the receiving or giving end, and regardless of the type, strength, or length of the relationship, is perfectly pleasurable for some, an acquired taste for others, and for a certain group, a "no way, no how, not ever" proposition. This has to do with their personal comfort and choices and is not about you. Just because you may feel completely comfortable with ingesting her sexual fluids, that doesn't mean that she must reciprocate that. Additionally, it's critical that if this is something that she does in the future, she does so consensually, rather than because she feels forced to by you. By the same token, if you find that having a partner swallow your semen is essential to you in a relationship in order to feel desired and loved, you may think about whether or not your partner will be able to meet your needs if this is something that she is never willing to do. Ultimately, everyone has their own sexual needs and boundaries, and just as it's key to make sure that you're having your needs met, it's also just as important to make sure that boundaries are being respected, too. 

Good luck!

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