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Boyfriend not interested in receiving oral sex

Hi Alice,

I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and we both love each other. Our sex life is great but one thing really confuses me: He loves to give me oral sex, but when I try and do the same to him, he won't let me. I don't know if he doesn't like it, if I do it badly, or if he just doesn't want it. I've tried talking to him, but he just brushes it aside. Please help me.

Thanks.

Dear Reader,

While gettin’ down and dirty has been great for your relationship so far, it sounds like you’d like some clarification on your boyfriend's aversion to receiving oral action below the belt. Everyone is different when it comes to oral sex, as not everyone enjoys giving or receiving for a variety of different reasons. Perhaps your boyfriend doesn’t like oral sex, would prefer you do it a certain way, or feels he is more likely to orgasm during penetrative sex or other sexual activity. Whatever the reason, the only way to really find out is for him to tell you. If you decide you want to try and speak with him again, it may be helpful to first ask yourself a few questions.

People give oral sex for all kinds of reasons, such as to please their partner or themselves, to reciprocate, etc. Do you enjoy giving oral sex? If so, what do you enjoy about it? You mention that your boyfriend loves to give. However, do you enjoy receiving oral sex from him? Are you more concerned about giving your boyfriend oral sex for reciprocity or because you enjoy it? It may also be helpful to ask yourself how critical it is that your boyfriend allows you to perform oral sex on him. What if your boyfriend says he doesn’t want to ever receive oral sex, how would this make you feel? What if he says he prefers a different technique than yours? Your answers to these questions can help you decide how you want to approach the conversation. 

It’s not easy talking about a mismatch in sexual desires, so kudos to you for trying to engage your boyfriend in a conversation. You mention that he brushes you aside when you try to broach the subject. When you started the conversation, were you asking open-ended questions, or were they closed (“yes” or “no”) questions? It may be helpful to try thinking of direct, specific questions to ask him to help get the conversation started. You could say something along the lines of, “I’d love to go down on you. How would you feel about that?” or “I love when you give me oral sex and I’d love to give it to you. What do you think about that?” Be prepared to really listen to his response and be open to discussion. It can also be helpful to think about when you've tried to talk to your boyfriend about your worries and what was going on during the conversation. For example, if it was during sex, you may want to try and ask him when you’re not having sex, such as when you're watching a movie or TV together. Additionally, you can also ask what other sexual activities he prefers or what his experiences have been in the past around oral sex. Doing this can also open up the conversation to let your partner know what sexual activities bring you the most pleasure and share your own experiences.

Overall, it’s great that you're otherwise enjoying a great sex life, and one way to keep your sex life that way is by practicing safe oral sex. You can protect yourself and your partner from oral sexually transmitted infections by using a barrier method such as a condom or dental dam. 

Good luck on oral sex communication with your boyfriend!

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Last updated May 20, 2022
Originally published May 08, 2014

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