BDSM and Consent

Dear C.V., 

S and M is short for “sadomasochism” and is a form of play during sex that involves a mutual, consensual exchange of feelings like pleasure and pain. Much of the excitement during S and M comes from experimenting with the intensity of these sensations. You may recognize the acronym BDSM, which can incorporate bondage, domination, and submission into a sexual experience alongside sadomasochism. In terms of whether S and M is “normal”, yes, it absolutely is. Consensual sex has many different variations, meaning the best kind is up to you and your partner(s) to determine. 

It’s hard for researchers to determine exactly how many people engage in BDSM sex. What is agreed on is that enjoying BDSM is more common than one might realize. The stigma that surrounds this type of sexual activity may give the perception that it’s uncommon. Historically, interest in BDSM was pathologized. It was theorized that interest in BDSM stemmed from mental disorders or childhood complications. However, only some small sub-groups have been shown to have a higher risk of mental disorders. 

Others also suggest that BDSM power roles replicate the unhealthy dynamics of sexism or child abuse. However, there's little data that supports these theories. Instead, more evidence is starting to emerge that supports BDSM as a form of leisure and a way to increase an individual’s sexual repertoire. Some studies even suggest that people who practice BDSM are less sexist, more open-minded, and more communicative with their partner(s). The key to practicing BDSM in a safe way is consent. Mutual, enthusiastic, and ongoing consent is what separates the pain and power dynamics in BDSM from the pain and power dynamics involved in abuse. As part of ensuring consent, everyone involved in BDSM must be free to express their desires and boundaries—including emotional triggers and what kind of aftercare they prefer. Within the community, many utilize the principle of "risk-aware consensual kink" (RACK) when it comes to BSDM. These spaces take the topic of consent very seriously and have been known to blacklist and ban people who don’t practice BDSM in a safe way. 

It might be helpful to consider your personal limitations before trying S and M play. What acts would make you immediately say “no” or turn away? Those are your hard limits that shouldn’t be pushed during sex. You may also want to review a list of kinks associated with S and M. What would you like to experience? What doesn’t sound exciting to you? Are there some acts that you’d only want to do with a certain partner? Once you have thought about where your boundaries lie and what you’d like to try, you can experiment with BDSM with a trusted partner. Though a kink might be nice to fantasize about, it may not feel good in reality. 

Safewords are also helpful when it comes to making sure that BDSM play is safe and respects boundaries. A safeword is established before participating in S and M and is a cue to any partner(s) involved in sex to stop what they’re doing immediately. Safewords may be used at any point during S and M for whatever reason. Due to the pain and power dynamics involved in S and M, words that may naturally be part of roleplay such as “no,” “don’t,” or “that hurts” may be confusing and are generally not used as safewords. Instead, it’s recommended that you and your partner(s) pick a unique word that isn’t commonly used during sex but is still easy to remember such as “silver,” “mango,” or “backpack.” Some people also choose to use a verbal traffic light system during S and M play: “green” means that an act is good, “yellow” means that the person is starting to feel unsure or uncomfortable, and “red” means to stop. If someone is in an S and M situation where they can’t speak (like they are being gagged), silent safewords like clapping or snapping fingers might also be used. 

If you're interested in incorporating sadomasochism into your sex life and want some advice from practitioners, you may consider contacting The Eulenspiegel Society: the oldest BDSM support group in the United States. As far as books about S and M play go, consider trying The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play, and the Erotic Edge by Tristan Taormino. With this guidance, you’ll hopefully feel more secure when it comes to safe S and M! 

Have fun and play safely!