Attracted to another

Dear Alice,

I have been dating a guy for well over a year-and-a-half, and we really enjoy each other's companionship. We have a great friendship and a great sex life. The problem is that I am finding myself attracted to another person. I think this other person has a girlfriend. Furthermore, I don't want to have a relationship with this other person — it's just that I find myself dreaming about kissing him because he is so attractive. I know I'm crazy because everything is great in my relationship and people envy the relationship I have with my boyfriend. I just can't get this guy off my mind. What should I do?


Dear Dreaming,

It is completely natural to think and even dream about people other than your primary partner. All you need to remember is that there is a difference between fantasy (imagining) and reality. Attractions to others are one of the many joys of life. What people imagine related to their attraction allows them to experience and even learn about themselves, their feelings, and their behaviors. People are in control of their behaviors and may make choices and decisions concerning what they may or may not actually want to try. Fortunately, fantasies may create a safe, healthy way to explore the many different aspects of sexuality and attraction.

Many people are content to leave their feelings of attraction in the realm of fantasy, safe to enjoy privately, or perhaps with a partner. However, if you find yourself wanting to move forward with your attraction, it could prove useful to examine your current relationship. You may assess its strengths and weaknesses and think about how the two of you may grow within the relationship. Thinking creatively about ways to achieve what's lacking in your primary relationship may be beneficial. You may then choose not to follow through on your impulses so that you may strengthen the bonds of trust you've built over time.

If you really can't get this guy off your mind, and you are still worried, you can think about him:

  • Consciously, more than you already do;
  • When you are alone;
  • Kissing you when you have sex by yourself;
  • Kissing you whenever you want; and/or,
  • Kissing you when you have sex with your partner.

Remember, you are ultimately in control of what role this fantasy plays in your life and in your current relationship.

Last updated Jul 02, 2015
Originally published Nov 01, 1994

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