Themes of the Week

1) Dear Alice,

I'm 20 years old. I have spina bifida and I can walk perfectly normal but I have incontinence with my bladder. I get a lot of urinary tract infections, too. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. I am kind of worried about having sex with him because I always pee myself. I was wondering what I should do to stop getting these infections so I get be comfortable during sex and not have to think that I will pee on the bed.

2) Dear Alice,

I have been friends with a guy who has spina bifida for a while now, and recently, things took a turn for the better — we are just starting a relationship. I know that he has sensation below his waist, and can get an erection, but I wondered if there is anything about how his disability will affect our sex life. I am anxious for it to be pleasing for both of us, and although we are open enough for me to ask him questions, I would like to go in prepared so to speak! Is there anything that will be able to help me in making sure that the first time for us won't be awkward, uncomfortable or downright crap?!

From,
Planning for Sex

Dear Alice,

I have an invisible disability and I'm really getting into disabilities activism. Even in liberal circles ableism is still pretty accepted and this upsets me. However, when I try to educate people around me, it sometimes goes awry. I had one friend get upset when I called her out for using the word "retard." Another got upset when I pointed out that her Facebook post of inspirational people with disabilities (that just showed people with disabilities doing normal things) was a little offensive and tried to tell her about "inspiration porn." I get that using the word "retard" is normal as is "inspiration porn." I just don't think it should be.

I know my friends are caring, socially conscious people. I expect people to be a little upset, but ultimately I would also expect them respect the fact that it's really not OK to objectify people with disabilities in the way that inspiration porn and the use of words like "retard" do. What I want to know is how do I point out that people are expressing a harmful social bias, without having them get so upset that they write me off as an over sensitive concern troll?

Sincerely,

Nothing about us without us

Dear Alice,

I was born with a congenital defect which is extremely obvious. I have three nostrils. Throughout my life, I have obviously experienced ridicule. I have learned to deal. I find that instead of people just asking me, they stare and talk. It's something which frankly, I'm not used to. What do I do to deal?

— Three-nostril monster

Hi,

I have been dating this guy for ten years. We both have physical disabilities and therefore have very limited movement. However, we have complete sensation. We really want to have sex but are having difficulty with positioning. Since I have a little more movement than him, I am going to be the one who does most of it. We have had two very unsuccessful attempts and are getting very discouraged. We really love another, but are losing hope. Any ideas?

Thanks,

RP

Hi Alice,

I am a quadriplegic of twenty years and need help with a problem my girlfriend and I are having with our sex life. The main problem is she feels guilty because she is the only one that gets "physical gratification" when we make love. We can't have intercourse but we have tried several other methods that worked great as far as her getting an orgasm, but the guilt sets in a few minutes afterwards. I have tried many times to explain to her that I also get a lot of enjoyment from our intimate times together, but she does not believe me. She thinks the only reason I want to fool around is just to give her pleasure and this is not true. Some of it does have to do with making her feel good, but I also get much pleasure, in a more "mental" kind of way that she can not understand. We live together, love each other very much, and plan to marry in a few months, but I'm scared this problem is going to get worse if she never believes me. I feel bad about marrying her if we can't have a satisfying sex life because I feel like I'm cheating her out of that part of her life.

If there is any way you could help me with this I would really appreciate it. If you know of any books on this subject that would also be a big help.

Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!

John

1) Dear Alice,

Over the span of the last couple of years, I have noticed a significant number of moles appearing on my body. They have been appearing everywhere from my neck to my inner thighs. I had one on my neck since childhood, but now have so many more. Is this normal? Is it something I should be concerned with? And does child bearing have any relevance to this happening?

2) Dear Alice,

I have a mole which has turned very dark purple, and grown a bit in size (still small). This is the second time it has done this — last time was a couple of weeks ago, and it slowly faded back to almost nothing until today. Should I be very concerned about this?

Dear Alice,

I was thinking of buying a face powder that says it has an spf of 30. It seems convenient to have a powder sunblock since lotions make my oily face greasy. However, I was wondering if this powder will even be effective as a sunblock since I heard that some moisturizers and other products that advertise an added SPF sometimes don't have a high enough concentration of sunblocking ingredients to make it effective. I would like to know what do you think before I make my purchase. 

Thanx.

Dear Alice,

I find choosing among all of the available sunscreens and sunblocks to be very confusing. Of the following three products I am currently using, which one is giving my skin the most protection: sunscreen SPF 30 with UVA, UVB, and IR sun protection; sunblock SPF 17 with UVA, UVB, and IR sun protection; or, sunblock SPF 50 with UVA and UVB sun protection? By the way, what is the difference between a sunSCREEN and a sunBLOCK?

Desperately Seeking Protection

Hey Alice,

I plan to do some nude sunbathing this summer. What extra precautions should I take with the areas that have never seen the light of day? Should I use a higher SPF on my "naughty parts" than on, say, my arms and legs?

— Sunkissed

Dear Alice,

When I was young, I had no freckles. As I got older, my face began to form freckles. Also, darker freckles are forming. Is there a way I can remove the freckles or stop them from forming?

Sincerely,
Bobbie

Alice,

My cousin's biology teacher told her class that the water we shower in is not hot enough to actually kill bacteria but it promotes bacteria to grow through its warmth. He said it is best to take as cool a shower as one can stand. Is this true?

— Freaked about bacteria

Dear Alice,

Recently I have discovered if I change the settings on my shower head so the water pressure is harder and faster it works wonderfully as a tool for masturbation. My question is, is there any health risks for using water for self pleasure? My main concern is getting water in my vagina...could that cause issues? Thank you so much!

— Fun in the Shower

Dear Alice,

I use Nalgene bottles for about 75 percent of the water I drink each day. Therefore, I was startled to find out that there is some possibility that these bottles leach chemicals into the water. I've found conflicting opinions about the veracity of these claims on the Internet. What's the truth? Should I dump my Nalgene for glass? You have an earlier post about bottled water, but it doesn't seem to address this issue specifically, and you recommend purchasing reusable bottles like the ones that might be poisoning me. The bottles I use have #7 on the bottom in the recycle symbol.

Please Help.

Thirsty David

1) Dear Alice,

Which is better for you, tap or bottled water?

2) Dear Alice,

How bad is the water here in New York City? Do you recommend drinking filtered water, or does it really make a difference?

Thirsty

Dear Alice,

I find choosing among all of the available sunscreens and sunblocks to be very confusing. Of the following three products I am currently using, which one is giving my skin the most protection: sunscreen SPF 30 with UVA, UVB, and IR sun protection; sunblock SPF 17 with UVA, UVB, and IR sun protection; or, sunblock SPF 50 with UVA and UVB sun protection? By the way, what is the difference between a sunSCREEN and a sunBLOCK?

Desperately Seeking Protection

Dear Alice,

I’m having a burning sensation when I urinate and it still burns after I urinate. Also, I can’t urinate all the way and am continually having to go to the bathroom. I was diagnosed with kidney reflux when I was a child — could this be that?

Dear Alice,

My family uses microwave ovens a lot, and I was wondering if cooking foods such as broccoli in a microwave can really diminish the antioxidants in the food. I came across a web site that said there was a study published in a science journal that showed that broccoli lost 97 percent of its antioxidants after being cooked in a microwave. I'm not sure whether to believe this or not. Could you help me out?

Sincerely,
Needing Antioxidants

Dear Alice,

I'm about to have rotator cuff surgery and repair some torn muscle. What natural healing foods can I eat to reduce the inflammation as well as increase the speed of healing of the muscle??

Dear Alice,

I know it's necessary to have a certain amount of fat in your diet, but occasionally I hear about "good fat" and "bad fat." What is the difference? Is that the same as saturated/unsaturated? What foods have "good fat"? Can I tell by looking at the nutrition label on a food product which kind of fat I'm eating?

— Curious

Dear Alice,

Why do people find fatty or sugary foods comforting? I mean, what is it in these types of foods that causes the body / mind to see this type of food as comforting or pleasurable? Surely from the point of view of the body, it prefers foods that are high in nutrients — so why do people who turn to food for comfort always turn to fatty or sugary foods that don't offer the body anything? just wondering??? and I hope that made sense because I'm sorry it's quite badly worded!

Dear Alice,

Is chocolate bad for you?

1) Dear Alice,

I often have a bad taste in my mouth, and bad breath as well, I assume. This doesn't stem from poor hygiene: I brush my teeth at least three times a day, and usually more. I'm wondering if there is anything I can do about this. Could this be a symptom of some sort of nutritional deficiency? I think my diet is pretty bad, although I'm working pretty hard on getting more protein and eating less fat. I've also been nauseous a lot lately, and vomiting some. Could that be related?

Signed, 
Stinky Breath

2) Dear Alice,

Like many people, I often have an embarrassing bad breath. Listerine and other mouthwashes won't be of any help for this chronic problem. There are lots of products available to get rid of "volatile sulfur compounds (VSC)" - that supposedly cause this — and I just don't know which one I should try. Also, what's your opinion on tongue-brushing?

Thanks! 
Evil Breath

Dear Alice,

I was told by my dentist that my teeth eroded, due to consumption of too much acidic food. I would like to know what kind of food causes tooth erosion. Do you have a list of these foods?

Thanks,
Shirley

Dear Alice,

Here's a question I have been debating with a friend for a while, and seeing as how I'm not scheduled to go to the dentist again for a while, I thought you could shed some light on the issue: when brushing one's teeth, should one also brush one's tongue? I would think yes, because what's the point of brushing germs off teeth if the tongue still has them there, and will transfer them to the teeth as soon as you're done brushing. My friend thinks it makes absolutely no difference. So does it matter? We have an ice cream wagered on this one! I hope I'm right!

Dear Alice,

How do you think I should go about coming out of the closet to my mother?

Dear Alice,

I am pregnant and my ex-boyfriend is the father. He broke up with me before I found out I was pregnant. He's going out with another girl now and acts like he doesn't want anything to do with me or our baby! Neither my parents nor his parents know yet. How do I tell them? I don't want to go through this as a single parent. What should I do?

Worried,
IN

Dear Alice,

Do you have any information on the effects of low testosterone concerning sexual desire in women? After I got pregnant, I have had a significant drop in sexual desire and think it could be related to low testosterone. Any info on the subject? By the way, this problem had nothing to do with stress, marital problems, or the baby. Everything in my life is great except I lost my sexual desire and want to get it back. THANKS.

— Wanting to be horny

Dear Alice,

During sex, my husband likes to squeeze and suck my nipples. I enjoy this, but am worried that this type of pressure on the nipples may cause problems later on: we are planning on having a baby in a few years, and I want to breastfeed. Might the pressure of squeezing and sucking hurt my mammary glands and ducts, making it difficult or impossible for me to breastfeed?

Thanks,
Concerned Future Mom

Dear Alice,

I have been going through emotional problems lately. I have been crying a lot and thinking about my mom and dad's divorce and how I want them together. I don't understand why now, after all these years, it is bothering me. It has never bothered me till this past school year and nothing has happened in school either.

I keep thinking about how I will never know how it was to live with both my parents. On Christmas, I kept thinking about how I really only had one true Christmas with both of them together and I don't even remember it. People always say the younger the child is when parents get a divorce, the easier it is on a child, but for some reason, that's not true for me because I missed out on it all! All my friends have at least experienced their parents together, and I haven't and never will. They get along fine so it's not like they fight. I haven't told anyone about this and it is getting to the point I can't keep it to myself and can't stop crying. I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't know why it is bothering me twelve years after they got a divorce and how I can get it to go away. Please help.

— Jenny

Hey Alice,

My girlfriend wants me to give her a birthday spanking. One spank for each year. I have some concerns, but thought it might be a fun idea to explore....

Her birthday is a month away and I am not sure what to do?

Dear Alice,

All my friends are always telling me that I should try having sex with a girl who is ten years older than me. I am 22 years old and my sexual partners have always been my own age or even a few years younger than me. Personally, I don't fancy the thought of going to bed with an older woman, even though my friends tell me that I would learn a lot and would enjoy the experience. What do you think? I really can't bring myself to have sex with an older person. Am I abnormal or do you think I am right? Have you ever come across this type of problem before and, if so, what have you advised the people to do?

— Love the young one

Alice,

Is safe S/M role-playing normal? And where does one draw the line if mutual consent is established?

— C.V.

Dear Alice,

I've always been fascinated with scat play. My question is this: is consuming (eating) your partner's feces safe? Or will it make me sick... or worse (is it poisonous)?

Dear Alice,

My girlfriend and I have been dating for over a year now and so far, the sex has been great. Recently, however, she's suggested that we become more experimental. She wants to tie me to the bed and do things to me like drip candlewax on my nipples and attach a string to my penis that she can tug on. She thinks that such things will be able to "heighten sensitivity" and make our sex even more stimulating. I don't have anything against these goals, but before I get into something unusual, I'd like to know whether this type of behavior is healthy.

— Straight and Narrow

Dear Alice,

I am in a relationship with a fellow student who likes to visit only late at night, and doesn't include me with other friends. When we do things, it is always the two of us alone, or with my friends. I don't particularly like the situation and have tried to ask for some changes, but it feels as if I am fighting an uphill battle. I'm not sure what to do.

— Feeling helpless

Dear Alice,

My current girlfriend is still getting over an abusive relationship that she was involved in two years ago. The abuse included repeated rape throughout the two-and-half-year-long relationship. She has never been able to enjoy sex and cannot bring herself to do it again. Despite her feelings for me, she cannot relax enough during sex for it not to hurt her. I have not forced her into having sex she cannot enjoy. We have been together for nearly a year now and the problem does not seem to be getting better for her. She has nightmares and is uncomfortable and afraid in many day-to-day situations. She is worried that going to a counselor will mean she will be in counseling for the rest of her life to get over this. This has become such a hindrance to us being happy that I sometimes wonder if it is best to stay with her to try to help her through this, or whether I am out of my league.

Dear Alice,

What is the criteria for determining if a relationship is abusive? My husband has never struck me in anger or injured me, but he is constantly poking, tickling, flicking me, etc. When I tell him to stop, he usually says, "Why should I?" and continues a little bit more. It's like a kid tormenting a little sister. He gets right in my face and sometimes pokes me in the chest while he's telling me something. There's never any anger until I get mad at him for doing it, and then he tells me he's just playing. The other night when I told him to stop poking me, he said, "I'll do whatever I want." That really bothered me. When he does get angry, he usually just ignores me, but occasionally he'll throw something (but not at me). What do you think? How can I make him understand that his "playing" is upsetting? Is this type of behavior a precursor of actual violence?

Dear Alice,

What are some ways to identify and deal with unhealthy relationships? And what strategies can people use to enhance relationships? What are some internal and external support resources that are available for people dealing with unhealthy relationships?