Wear a diaper for my boyfriend?

Dear Alice,

I recently learned my boyfriend has a fetish for girls in diapers. He's even asked me to wear a diaper. I feel really uncomfortable about possibly doing it even though I said I might. Is it normal for him to have this fetish and should I do it for him?

Dear Reader,

A fetish involves having a sexual response to an item or body part that is not inherently sexual. There are two very important and distinct issues that you raise in your question:

  1. The issue of the diaper fetish itself, and
  2. The issue of whether you should indulge said fetish.

The answer to the first question doesn't necessarily have anything to do with the answer to the second.

Is it normal to have a diaper fetish? In general, yes, fetishes are rather common and harmless, as long as they don't lead the person with the fetish to cause harm to another. A range of fetishes exist, although it's not clear exactly how common the diaper fetish is compared to any other. Sexual desires and turn-ons vary extensively between people. A particular object or behavior might excite one person, might repulse another, and might make another person feel nothing either way. Fetishes sometimes involve role-play, where the people involved in the sexual act take on a character in addition to donning the fetishized clothing. All of this is fine and good and healthy, as long as — and this is key point — everything that happens is consensual.

Which segues to your second question: Should I indulge my partner? That's a question only you can answer. You've stated above that it makes you really uncomfortable — what about this fetish is causing you to squirm? The idea that it's not normal? Or that it just does not turn you on?  Even if every other person on the planet enjoyed wearing diapers during sex, you don't have to if it does not feel good to you. This does not make a fetish bad or unhealthy, it simply does not work for you.

The fact that you already said you would consider it does not mean you have to follow through and don a diaper. In any sexual encounter, consent includes the right to change ones mind before or during an activity. You don't need to explain or even understand why you're not into something, you can just say "no" or "stop." Many people feel different pressures, have different moods, and feel ambivalence about exploring certain sexual possibilities. Saying "yes," saying "no," or saying "I'm not sure yet, I need to think about it" are all reasonable answers to your partner's request.

Do you feel saying "no" to your partner is acceptable or do you worry that declining might not be well-received? How comfortable do you feel communicating your own fantasies and fetishes to him? Does he seem to care about learning your likes and dislikes? The answers to these questions will help you determine how comfortable you feel exploring new activities and negotiating your sexual relationship.

Best of luck in finding those hot areas that overlap.

Last updated May 04, 2015
Originally published Oct 16, 2009

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