Tidy Bob worries about semen safety

Dear TIDY BOB,

Flush those concerns down your tidy bowl! Healthy, or not, once your semen is out and about on fabric, fingers, the phone, or the floor, it loses illness- and pregnancy-promoting potential once it dries. The biggest problem for meticulous masturbators is those hard-to-remove stains left behind by stray semen. This self-stimulating side effect makes clothing and other fabrics a less than ideal semen receptacle. Sure, in a pinch, you gotta do what you gotta do, but why not try to remember to bring along some tissues the next time your come needs to go? If tissues aren't enough, you might pick a few old T-shirts, socks, soft towels, pillowcases, or blankets for your exclusive semen clean-up. And by all means, wash that semen right out of your wears; laundering your semen-stained items with the rest of your clothing is fine. Just think, if masturbators tossed their semen receptacles in the trash after each soiling, the fine folks whose names are on our shorts and sheets would be ejaculating all the way to the bank!

Since masturbators sometimes have other unfortunate angst — guilt about doing it, getting caught in the act, thinking that they should be having sex with someone other than with themselves, etc. — it's a good thing that semen won't mess up even the tidiest Bob. Enjoy (and tidy up) your emissions, and those near and dear to you will be perfectly safe.