Teammate with anorexia

Dear Danielle,

Your concern for your fellow teammate is understandable, especially since you suspect, based on her behavior, that she has an eating disorder. It's difficult to talk with someone with an eating disorder, especially if s/he is not ready to face it. And since you are friendly with her, this may place additional pressure on you for wanting to help her. It is also difficult to know how to approach her, especially since the result may not be what you would like.

An eating disorder is a call for help. Perhaps because you've acknowledged your teammate's behavior or secret, it might make her feel more deserving of getting help. It's good to keep in mind that she may not welcome your concern, and may even be furious or deny your observations. If this is the case, difficult as it might be, you could think about finding another time to approach her, when she might be more receptive to your concern and caring.

Here are a few suggestions:

You can tell your teammate that you're concerned about her and her behavior, that you have noticed certain things, and list what you have seen or noticed, stating them in a way that is not critical, just matter of fact. Let her know that you support her to get help and will be there if she needs to confide in someone, if you are comfortable with this.

Approaching your teammate might make her feel supported, eventually, even if it seems as though she doesn't appreciate it at the time. You can also approach her with another friend or teammate. This may be more effective than talking with her by yourself. However, if the entire team were to talk with her, she could feel overwhelmed or attacked.

You can also talk with your coach. This is especially important, because your coach might ultimately have the most influence on your teammate's getting help. For instance, your coach could tell her that she will not be able to participate in practice or playing unless she sees a health care provider and/or medical team that can work with her specific needs.

For the conversation, stick to telling your teammate how concerned you are for her health and how you feel, and talk less about weight, her eating, or her appearance. Here are some language suggestions you can use:

"(Your teammate's name), this may be difficult to hear, but I'm concerned for your health and I'm here for you if you want to talk about it..."

"As a teammate and friend, I am genuinely worried about what is happening to your health..."

"I feel nervous about bringing this up because I am afraid you will not see this as supportive, but I'm really concerned about you..."

If you need more guidance on how to help or if you feel you can use some support yourself, you, yourself, can make an appointment for a consultation about your teammate with a therapist at your school's counseling service. You can also find some helpful tips and information by reading the related questions.

Regardless of how your teammate reacts, give yourself credit for thinking about, handling, approaching, or confronting her. It's clear that you care and want the best for your teammate.