Alice,

My girlfriend and I have great sex, but lately she has been asking me to talk dirty to her. The problem with this is that I thought I'd already been doing this. I don't know what to say, literally. Any hints on what I might be able to say to her? I already talk kind of dirty to her, but she wants it nasty. What do I say?

Thanks,
"Speechless"

Dear "Speechless,"

Everyone has their own interpretation of what “talking dirty” means — one person’s dirty talk could be another person’s chaste chatter and vice versa. What you might find to be “dirty” or even “nasty” could sound “neutral” or “vanilla” to your girlfriend. You may start out by having a conversation with your girlfriend about what she wants to hear and also adjusting the style of your approach. This kind of foreplay can certainly stoke the fires of your sex life, whether in person, over the phone, by text, or over video chat.

To find out what rocks your girlfriend’s aural stimulation boat, you may try asking her to take a turn “talking dirty” to you, so you can listen to her say the kinds of phrases she’s hoping you’ll say. If she’s too shy to say these herself, you could suggest that she write it down, or you might find that you’re uncomfortable or shy about saying what she’d like to hear — which is okay, too! In either case, it could provide an opportunity for the two of you to talk about establishing basic ground rules on what words are “off limits” or what each of you is willing to say to avoid any offense that could ruin the mood. On the other hand, if you’re comfortable with it and it turns her on, then go to town!

Without knowing what you’ve already tried, you might start by just spicing up your current boudoir vocab repertoire. Using the same words, but varying your expression or experimenting with the timbre and the volume of your voice may just do it for her. You may also try emphasizing certain words, whispering, or even screaming! Have you tried holding eye contact when you’re dishing dirty deets? How about using slang for body parts, being explicit when telling her how aroused you are, or dropping an f-bomb? You could also try describing what you’re experiencing in the moment and how good it feels; telling her your sexual fantasies; saying what you’d like to do next or telling your girlfriend what you want her to do to you right now. Another possible way to turn her on, without really talking dirty is to compliment your girlfriend; praise what she’s doing or tell her how much you love her body — this is your chance to be descriptive and creative.

With all that being said, there’s no script for this type of foreplay performance. If you invest a little time in experimenting and talk with your girlfriend about an updated “doing it” dialogue though, you’ll likely find the right combination of options that you’re comfortable with — which could serve as a turn on for you both. But, if a spoken (dirty) word performance doesn't seem to make the set list for your next two-person show, no need to worry. Perhaps this vocab review will inspire another type of romantic script for you and your partner. 

Good luck!

Alice!

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