Dear Alice,

I was a virgin until about five months ago, and after three hours of foreplay, I finally penetrated and came right then. Since then, my girlfriend and I have broken up, but are best friends now. I have a strange uncontrollable urge to go down on every girl I see (I think because I enjoy a turned-on girl more than I enjoy anything).

Neither I nor my best friend are seeing anyone, and "friends" have sex all the time, so what is the best way to ask her to let me "practice?" After my first "real" sexual experience, I feel incredibly inadequate, especially since we broke up not long after that. I really want to get better. Christ, I'm nineteen and not getting any younger.

— Active Tongue

Dear Active Tongue,

It's good to hear you are eager to give others pleasure, since giving and receiving go hand in hand. It's no wonder you're ready to have sex again, since sex can certainly be fun, pleasurable, and exciting. In some ways, like a pump being primed, once you have had sex, you may have even more sexual energy.

You say you're eager to have oral sex with your best friend and it sounds like you mean your ex-girlfriend. Could you consider casually speaking with her? Perhaps something like: "I feel a bit awkward asking you this. Remember when we were seeing each other and fooling around (or having sex, or making out, or whatever words you are comfortable with)? I really enjoyed it, and wonder if you might consider the possibility of continuing the sexual part of our relationship... I'd really like to give you pleasure. I trust your judgment and value our communication. Perhaps you could help me become a better lover? What do you think?"

You need to be prepared for her answer. She may say "yes," "maybe," "tell me more about it," "let me think about it," or "no way!" It takes a lot of courage to ask, and asking is the only way to truly know her thoughts. Remember, her choices are hers and hers alone; she may be on a different page entirely. 

If the best friend with whom you'd like to practice is not your ex-girlfriend, you can use the same kind of casual but self-revealing approach. "You know, there is something I'd like to talk with you about that makes me feel kind of awkward, and I hope you will hear me out before you react." Then tell her what you were thinking about. Friends usually respect and depend upon gentle honesty. Have you considered skipping the potential pitfalls of sex with friends by looking for a brand new partner who's not a current friend?

Becoming a tender lover takes time and practice; however, you do have your entire life to learn. If your best friend is unwilling, too uncomfortable, or fearful that it might jeopardize your friendship, you could consider finding another partner with whom you can "practice."

Being in touch with our own wants, desires, and needs and finding ways to communicate them to others are all very good things. Best of luck!


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