Parents find porn in the boys' room

Dear Reader, 

While you may wish that your sons were still reading kids magazines, it seems you recognize their emerging sexuality as a common part of development for many young adults. Awkward as it may feel, parents can use this and other situations as opportunities to communicate their values about sexuality to their children. This can be an opportunity to teach them more about changes in their body, while still learning to respect themselves and others. As for forbidding the material, that’s a question only you can answer.  

When thinking about how you and your husband will decide whether or not to forbid the material, it may be useful to ask yourself a few questions. What were your experiences with porn or similar materials when you were teenagers? Do you want to forbid porn, have conversations about it with your kids, or both? Furthermore, you also mentioned how you want your boys to respect women. Given this, it may be helpful to consider how your children currently treat women and all people in everyday life. How do they demonstrate respect towards others? Do you have any other concerns about their view of women? What other values regarding sexuality, love, and relationships do you want to share with them? Thinking about these questions can help you craft what you want to say to your children regarding porn and sexuality. In addition, some other messages that you may want to convey to your kids about the topic are: 

• Pointing out that porn frequently objectifies the people in it, often women, and that you want your boys to respect women. 
• Addressing body image and discussing with your boys that people don’t look like the images in the material and how porn can perpetuate stereotypes and create unrealistic messages about sexuality. 
• Emphasizing that it’s normal for your children to be curious about sex and that they can always come to you with questions. 

That being said, some porn is being created to counter these messages. Would you feel more comfortable with him viewing porn that had more realistic looking bodies? Would porn that doesn’t objectify the actors (if it uses actors at all) be more acceptable? What about porn that more accurately reflects sex? Thinking through these questions may help you determine if you would forbid all porn or some types of porn. However, recognizing how easily accessible porn is in on the internet, it may be helpful to be prepared to have frank discussions about what he may or may not be watching, even if you want to forbid him from viewing it.  

Finally, finding a time and place that will allow you and your boys to have a private and undistracted conversation, such as driving to or from school, may also help the conversation go smoothly. Moreover, it might be more comfortable and less threatening to approach the topic casually, as it can also show them that you strive to be approachable as parents. In addition to a conversation specific to porn (if you decide to have one), you can also use everyday situations, such as seeing an advertisement with sexual themes, as opportunities to talk with your children about sexuality and respect for people of all genders. 

All in all, it's pretty common for parents to find sexually explicit material in their teenagers' room. Fortunately for you, many parents and educators have gone before you in having these types of conversations. You can find helpful resources, tips, and suggestions for talking with your kids about all aspects of sexuality online, such as at Planned Parenthood. Continuing to have open and honest discussions with your boys about sexuality will help lay the foundation for your teenagers to mature into sexually healthy adults.