Dear Alice,

I performed oral sex on a guy last night, and it only took him like 30 seconds to come. I stopped after that, and then he said something like, "Wow, that was quite fast." I didn't know if he meant I went too fast and should have kept going, but I didn't see any reason to keep going if he already came. Or, do you think that he was referring to how long it took him to come? It was fast. I guess my question is, is that normal for a guy to come after only like 30 seconds? Did that mean I did a good job, he, he? :o ) Thanks

Dear Reader,

There are a number of factors that play into a person's orgasm, so it’s difficult to say which ones caused your partner’s “fast” ejaculation. Each partner’s sexual experience is influenced by a unique mix of physical and emotional reactions that affect thoughts, blood flow, arousal, and sensitivity. These factors determine the intensity and duration of erections, amount of lubrication, sharpness of the senses, and the length of time from arousal to orgasm. When these aspects are then combined with varying pressure, friction, temperature, and movement of tongues, lips, fingers, and other body parts, it becomes difficult to predict how long a partner may take to orgasm. As for what your partner meant with his comment, only he can know for sure — so it might be key to ask him! Doing so may help you get some immediate clarity and open the doors for some informative pillow talk moving forward.

For some people, going from "zero to sixty," or in your partner's case, from "zero to thirty," is their standard stimulation to ejaculation time, while others take more time before climaxing. If someone, or their partner, feels as though orgasms are happening quicker than they’d like, almost always ejaculate less than a minute after penetration, have trouble delaying ejaculation, or are feeling distressed because of this, they may be experiencing premature ejaculation. While they may experience this from time to time, it’s also possible that premature ejaculation happens with most of their sexual encounters. If you or your partner find that this is disrupting your sex life, there are different behavioral, medical, and therapeutic treatments that can help alleviate the symptoms.

Do you plan to be sexually active with this partner again? Have you two talked about your sexual preferences? Asking if what you're doing feels good or whether they would like you to go faster, slower, harder, softer, etc. can help you meet their needs. Similarly, you can request that your partner does the same for you since sex is a two (or more) way street. Keeping lines of communication open before, during, and after getting intimate allows for consensual, safer, and more pleasurable sexual encounters. Whether or not you choose to see this partner again, it’s good to be clear in what is pleasurable for you both.

Alice!

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