Ménage à trois?


Boy, am I confused. I am married and love my wife dearly. We have had a great sex life and do everything together. Recently, I have had thoughts about another woman joining us during sex. I didn't tell my wife this, however. Just a short time ago, my wife said that she thought that I would like to make love to her and another woman. I thought she was joking. She wasn't. I have responded that I felt that she probably wouldn't like that. She responded that she didn't know about that.

I'm not sure what to do. Do I see if she wants to try this, or just let it ride? I fear that if we did do this, that she would want to also bring in another man. While I want her to be happy, I am not interested in another man. (She hasn't suggested this even when I jokingly suggest that she would like this.) Even if she did want to do this, where do you find persons willing to try this type of sexual encounter?

— Totally Unsure

Dear Totally Unsure,

For some, three (or more) in the bedroom may be a welcomed crowd. For others, two is the better number. Sometimes, just sharing a threesome fantasy with your sexual partner (without actually playing it out) might be fulfilling. You asked whether it's a good idea to ask your wife if she wants to try a threesome or just let the whole subject ride — ultimately, that's up to you. There's another option, though: it may be beneficial to continue the conversation you've already started. You don't have to decide at this moment whether you're on board with bringing another person into the mix. When it comes to having a healthy and pleasurable relationship, regardless of the number of people involved, open and honest communication is key!

If you decide to talk it out, it might be helpful for both you and your wife to express your desires and limitations with regards to inviting another person into your lovemaking. Here are some questions that may be helpful to explore (both on your own and with your wife): What, specifically, are your fantasies when it comes to adding another person? What turns you on about this particular fantasy? Can the other partner be accepting of that fantasy? If you do decide to bring in a third, how will you work together to practice safer sex? Are certain sexual acts off-limits? What happens if two of the three people involved pair off and exclude the third? Is it desirable or pleasurable for one person to be the voyeur and not participate? If you find someone who might want to be involved in a threesome, do you both have to be turned on by them? What if one of you isn't? Do you have friends that you might ask to join you? Or does it have to be someone neither of you knows beforehand? Answering these questions may help you to decide if and how to involve another person.

You may even discover more about your partner or yourself through this experience, bringing each of you to a new level of understanding and pleasure with regards to each other's sexual needs and desires. Additionally, if you do decide to discuss the topic more, it's okay for you to share your thoughts and concerns about not wanting to invite another man into the mix if you decide a threesome is okay with both of you. You can't be certain whether your wife is interested in adding another man to the mix until you talk about it. It's possible that her fantasy only involves women. Talking more honestly and openly about fantasties may open the door for shared sexual experiences outside of adding more people to the mix. Your conversations may take you in another pleasurable direction!

As far as where to find a third person, there are a number of online resources available for people seeking different types of sexual encounters. And don't forget to think about people you know as possibilities. Whether you decide to remain a party of two or open the door for more, talking with each other and setting some ground rules may enhance your already great sex life!

Last updated Mar 02, 2018
Originally published Sep 05, 1995

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