Lesbian questioning if she's bisexual

Dear A Worried Bisexual Lesbian,

Bisexual people, unfortunately, deal with prejudices and stereotypes similar to the ones you mentioned — being promiscuous or confused about their sexual identity — from heterosexuals and homosexuals alike. Fortunately, your realizations about your own sexuality offer you the opportunity to move beyond those stereotypes and accept bisexuality for what it really is: one more equally valid expression of the complex world of human sexuality.

If you think back to when you were coming out as a lesbian in college, you will probably remember worrying about how it would look if you dated women, and if your friends and family knew that what they had assumed all along — that you were straight — wasn't true. Those concerns are similar to what you're writing about now. A major part of your concern is probably how lesbians and gay men you've counted on as allies will react to your new identity as a bisexual, given some of the prejudices faced by bisexuals in the gay and lesbian community. In a way, you're coming out all over again.

When you write that you were comfortable living as a lesbian, you probably mean that you have built supportive networks of friends and family that make dealing with homophobia in society more manageable. You will find that dealing with biphobia — those prejudices and stereotypes mentioned above — will require pretty much the same. You can't stop people from thinking things about you or how you express your sexuality; you can, however, decide how you will think about it.

Being a bisexual means something different for each bisexual individual, similar to how being straight or gay or lesbian means different things to different people. It sounds as though you are beginning to discover what bisexuality means for you; it may be a process that takes some time and it doesn't necessarily have a precise direction.

The best way to learn about the varied world of bisexuality is getting to know other bisexual people. You can get information on groups, meetings, and social events from your local gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered community center by visiting the directory at the LGBT Community Centers web site. You may also want to check out the Bisexual Resource Center for links to additional online resources. 

Approaching every date as if it should lead to a long-term relationship could keep a person from ever dating anyone, however establishing that both parties share some fundamental mutual interest in hanging out is a necessary first step for a successful short- or long-term coupling. If dating a man is the next step on your path to self-understanding, it is an opportunity to embrace. There's no need to define yourself as a woman-only woman just yet — people of all orientations date and learn, you too can give yourself permission to explore your interests and enjoy the journey.