Is it semen... or floor wax?

Dear Alice,

Why does my cum smell like bleach? I have tried everything but it always smells like Pine Fresh.

Can you help me?

Dear Reader,

Indeed, lots of men and their partners enjoy making the cum come out, but shortly after it arrives, they'd like that cum to go. Laundry rooms, swimming pools, and hospitals, and their abundance of cleaning chemicals, are among semen's top odor associations because, like most store-bought cleansers, home-spun spunk also contains ammonia and other sterile-smellin' alkaloids. Bodily fluids sometimes have odors that some find good, bad, or not much to write home about, and often they smell different at different times depending on things, such as a person's health, the food that was recently eaten, the quantity of liquid released, and the length of time it's been lying around.

Since you've tried everything without any luck, the scent of your semen is probably set in like a stubborn grass stain. So, how about masking its smell with another, more pleasant one? Perhaps you could consider scented candles, incense, tropical room sprays, or lubes and condoms with aromas that put you in a pleasure spiral, not a rinse cycle.

It's understandable that you'd prefer your ejaculate perfume the air with the fragrance of fancy colognes or cookies just out of the oven. But you know, a current or future partner might find your lemony-fresh love juice so fab that s/he will whisk you away and shout from surf to shining surf that a bright new day has turned the tide against people's tendency to cling to the idea that everything emanating from the body needs bounce off the nostrils with the joy and freshness of a new baby's behind.

Last updated Mar 18, 2015
Originally published Mar 14, 2003

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