I'm ready to commit for life to my girlfriend, but she's the only person with whom I've had sex
My girlfriend and I have been together for 14 months and the relationship is amazing in every way. We communicate openly and effectively, we love each other deeply, we melt into each other during love-making, and we plan to marry in the upcoming years. There's that "sameness" and deep-rooted bond, only capable between certain people. We both want to be w/ one another for the rest of our lives, and, while I know I love her and do not want any other relationship, the thing is that she is the only woman I've had sex with. She, on the other hand, has had sex with numerous other partners prior to our relationship. (We're both 22.) How do I know I want my life to be with her? Because I have dated other women in the past and know I am most comfortable with her...but, my question, seeing how I know that this relationship is "the one," is it in my interest for the long term to sleep with at least one or two other women so that down the line I won't feel regret for not doing so when I was young, single, and capable? - this is in a purely physical sense, and has nothing to do with love or emotions. I'm not even interested in sleeping with anyone else, just a bit curious as to what it would feel like and do not want to have any problems down the road in that respect.
You expressed a lot of concerns, focusing on a common issue, so perhaps a re-cap would be helpful: You write about being in a relationship that's "amazing in every way" with your girlfriend, someone you love and care for deeply, share a special bond with, have passion for, and even consider to be "the one" with whom you will share your life. Yet, you write about one reservation on your part: your sexual experience (do you mean sexual intercourse?) is limited to your girlfriend only, and that you might want to know what it feels like to be sexual or have sexual intercourse with at least one other woman later in life. Your curiosity is valid, natural, and shared by others. The question is, what do you choose to do with your curiosity that could impact — positively, negatively, or not at all — what is in store for your current relationship with your girlfriend?
One way to get some answers is by asking yourself a number of questions; maybe you and your girlfriend could do this together:
- What kind of relationship do you have with your girlfriend? Is it an open or monogamous one?
- Since you write that communication is open and effective between the two of you, would you be upfront with your girlfriend about your desire to have sex with other women, or not?
- You state that your consideration has "nothing to do with love or emotions;" perhaps not on your part, but what about your girlfriend? How do you think she would respond and feel knowing how you feel?
- Would anything change in your relationship? What could you gain or lose by following through on your sexual desires?
- Also, why does it appear to matter to you that your girlfriend has had more sexual partners than you have? And, how many do you mean by "numerous" — 20? Three? Five hundred? What does this mean to you? What about the quality and length of her past relationships or sexual experiences? Did she love her sexual partners? It doesn't sound as though your girlfriend is like this, but does she brag about her past sexual experiences? Is she being hurtful toward you?
The answers to these questions could be helpful to you in determining your priorities — yours, your girlfriend's, and your relationship's.
For many, sex is an essential aspect of an intimate relationship, but it isn't the only aspect. There are tenderness, safety, comfort, support, connection, and humor, among other things. And people are capable of enjoying sexual intimacy throughout their lifetime.
The kind of relationship you describe as having is the kind most aspire to have. Would the regret of not having had other sexual partners outweigh the risk of possible loss of this relationship? If jeopardizing the state of your currently amazing relationship, even risking its loss, are not acceptable options to you, then you have your answer.
You are both young. No one knows what the future will hold. Whatever feelings or concerns that may come up in the future can be dealt with if or when the time comes.
Originally published Apr 04, 2003
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