He's a virgin, she's not

Dear Alice,

I recently got back in a relationship with my old girlfriend from about a year and a half ago. We are in a long-distance relationship, which makes it very hard. She has lost her virginity since the last time we were together and she seems to have enjoyed sex a whole lot. I am a virgin, and I think that when she comes into town in a couple of weeks, she will want to have sex. I do love her, and she loves me. I want to have sex with her, but I am not familiar with the vagina, and I don't particularly know how to please her. I figure that since she talks about sex, she really likes it, so I don't want to disappoint her, especially since it's my first time. Please help me.

Lost Virgin

 Dear Lost Virgin,

Given that you and your lady will be in the same place at the same time, getting it on may seem like the right thing to do. However, keep in mind the golden rule: the best time to have sex is when you’re ready. That being said, it is totally natural to worry about your first time, just like you would be worried about the first time you do anything. Getting a little bit more acquainted with what to expect may help ease your stress and allow you to enjoy the experience.

First off, good communication can contribute a whole lot to your first sexual encounter. Try to speak with your partner about your concerns and how you feel about having sex for the first time. You may feel nervous about how to move, embarrassed about being naked, or even worried about your privacy being disturbed. Speaking with your partner can really ease the tension. Remember, regardless of her previous experiences, she may still share the same worries as you.

Before you go at it, take the time to find out about areas on both of your bodies you each find sensitive and sexually arousing. Don’t be afraid to communicate to each other where those sensitive areas (often known as erogenous zones) are. Remember, these areas can be different for each individual. Familiarizing yourself with the vagina beforehand can help you up your partner’s pleasure level. Here are some tips on the female anatomy:

  • The clitoris is a pea-sized organ located above the vaginal opening. It is extremely sensitive to even the lightest touch. Pressing and rubbing the clitoris can lead to many pleasurable sensations: pelvic fullness, bodily tension, tingly sensations, earth-shattering shakes, and more. Some women even dislike direct stimulation to the clitoris, due to its immense sensitivity.
  • The lower third of the vagina contains nearly 90 percent of the vaginal nerve endings. It tends to be more sensitive to changes in temperature and pressure. Though it is less common, some women may find the sensations created by vaginal intercourse to be enough to produce The Big O.
  • The G-spot is a site of sexual pleasure located about a third to half the way up the inside the vagina. Stimulating this area may lead to orgasm and/or ejaculation.
  • The anus (butt hole) is rich with sensory nerve endings. The anus and its surrounding areas can be a site of sexual pleasure for any gender or sexual orientation. Anal stimulation can be enjoyed in a variety of ways, whether through fingers or penetration.
  • The vagina should be lubricated and moist enough for ease of entry of the penis into the vagina. You may want to get into the mood with foreplay. It can be helpful to manually guide the penis into the vagina. You may want to get slippery using a water-based lubricant.
  • Using a condom is extremely important and a safer form of sex, regardless of each partner’s virgin status.

Keeping your expectations at a reasonable level is a good way to enjoy your first sexual experience. For example, it is common for many guys to not last very long during the first time. Also, there’s a pretty good chance that one or both of you won’t orgasm, especially the first time. Just do what seems natural and comfortable. Don't worry about rhythm; this is something you'll learn with time. Lastly, do not worry about pleasing your partner with fancy positions.

Of course, we cannot forget the biggest sex organ of all: the brain. You got it — there’s much more to sex than what is between your legs. It turns out that emotions, perceptions, memories, and senses determine how we experience sex, rather than past experiences or physical appearance alone. Relaxing and concentrating on sensations (rather than worrying about how you’re doing) can help your brain process your pleasure.

So you’ve talked about sex in advance, put on some sexy music, stocked a drawer full of condoms and lube, and dimmed the lights. What’s next? Take a deep breath, don’t be afraid to laugh if you slip up, and keep the communication open. Your partner (and your nerves) will thank you!

Last updated Jul 02, 2015
Originally published May 03, 1996

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