Dear Alice,

My last girlfriend was really sex-hungry. We were having sex for a long time, then, I started wondering if she fakes her orgasms or was really having a good time. After hearing that most women (not all) have vaginal contractions, I found out she might be faking. When I spoke to her about it, she started faking the contractions as well. This made me real sad, I couldn't make her come. I couldn't imagine what the problem was. I entered a circle of confusion and self-accusations for something that I'm doing wrong.

The girlfriend never cared for not coming because she said she loved me the way I was. It's important, but sex life is important as well. Now I have a new girlfriend, and since I'm afraid I can't please her, I can't get an erection. I think I have a psychological problem with that. By myself, when I think about girls, I do have intense erections, and I can masturbate, no problems at all when I'm alone, but with girls, I just can't have erections. What do I do to fix this problem?

Thanks in advance,
Mr. Erection-Less...

Dear Mr. Erection-Less...,

It seems that your trust has been compromised, since your ex-girlfriend may not have been having the explosive orgasms that you imagined. Having an orgasm is an intensely personal experience. While many men have orgasms easily, it can be difficult for women to reach that peak. For this reason, it is important for both partners to have patience, open communication, and a willingness to learn about the other’s body. This will help both partners learn what feels good (and what doesn’t), as well as what factors contribute to the orgasmic experience. In addition to increasing your partner’s pleasure, patience and learning can help you tone down the pressure, and turn up you own sexual experience from a simmer to a boil.

Remember, it is not your job to make a woman come. If your partner does not orgasm, this does not mean that you are a poor lover — in fact, you might be fantastic. It is more about learning to navigate her body, and getting to the point at which your partner feels comfortable enough to let go and enjoy. Perhaps you can tell her how important it is for you to learn how to touch and please her the way she likes. She may be able to show or tell you, or it may be an experience that you learn about together. In addition, it is important to remember that an orgasm is a very personal experience. It may take time for your partner to feel comfortable enough in the bedroom to completely let go. It is about her choices, and the way the two of you communicate.

The bottom line: Place an emphasis on getting to know her, and when you are sexually intimate, think about pleasuring each other without focusing on your erection. If you get one, fine; and, if not, it's okay, too. It is entirely possible, and often pleasurable, to be sexual without an erection. It can add a whole new dimension of creativity and excitement that may not be there when you take your erection for granted. And, you may well find that when you stop worrying and start enjoying yourself and each other, your erections will return naturally.

To read more about male sexuality, you can check out Bernie Zilbergeld's book, The New Male Sexuality. In addition, some great books to read about women's sexuality are For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality by Lonnie G. Barbach and The Hite Report by Shere Hite. Remember, the key to erections is pleasure, not pressure.


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