Virgin wonders, "will it ever be good for me?"

Originally Published: September 12, 2003 - Last Updated / Reviewed On: May 19, 2006
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Dear Alice,

I'm a virgin, and the first time my boyfriend inserted his fingers in my vagina, it hurt a lot, and I got sore down there. I didn't reach an orgasm, but faked it so he would stop. I didn't enjoy it at all and I was wondering... is this going to happen when I have sex? Is it going to be as disappointing?

—Touched by a finger...

Dear Touched by a finger...,

Soreness and/or pain from insertive/penetrative sexual activity can happen for a variety of reasons and can happen to anyone. Discomfort can be caused by:

  • penetration for the first time, that hasn't happened in a while, is too quick and/or vigorous, and/or goes on for too long or continues until the skin gets abraded
  • insertion of finger(s), penis, or an object that exceeds the comfortable stretch of the vagina or anus being penetrated
  • not being sufficiently aroused
  • dry or irritated vagina (or anus — it needs lube since it doesn't produce any, unlike the vagina, which may need additional lube)
  • lack of or unclear communication between partners: Letting your partner know how and/or what you're feeling is useful information for him to know. For example, "Yes, that feels good, stay there." Or, when you're starting to feel some discomfort, ask your partner, "Could you go a little slower, please?" "Can we use a little lube?" Or, similarly, your partner asking you, "How does this feel?" "Is this okay with you?"

Since you're a virgin and a woman, you may be feeling discomfort from your hymen.

If penetration with fingers is uncomfortable, you can add water-based lube, wait until you're more aroused, and/or tell your boyfriend to slow down or stop! It's difficult, at first, to be open when being intimate, but it's necessary to tell him this so that he can learn how to pleasure you. He probably would want to know if his touch is causing soreness or pain. If you become sore or feel pain, you need to say, "Ouch, that hurts," or "Stop!" and your partner will know to stop.

To increase comfort with penetration, your boyfriend can start off with one lubed finger, inserting it gently and slowly. Once you feel comfortable, speed and/or intensity can be increased gradually, or not at all, and/or another finger or two can be added. Talking with one another throughout can help pave the way for a more comfortable and more pleasurable experience for both of you. For instance, "Is this okay?" "Are you ready for a little more?" Having enough down time to "recover" between sessions can be helpful as well.

In a woman, orgasms happen when the clitoris is touched in arousing ways, not necessarily through penetration alone. Hopefully, you are having orgasms by touching yourself or by your partner(s) touching you. If you're not orgasming at all, read the Related Q&As listed below. But faking, rather than telling your partner the truth, helps no one.

If soreness or discomfort from penetration continues, see your own gynecologist or women's health care provider, who can check you physically to determine or rule out other causes.

One last thing: not enjoying your first penetrative experience does not necessarily mean you will not enjoy your next, including first sexual intercourse when you are ready. With time, practice, and increased familiarity with your partner, and his increased knowledge of you, you'll both learn when your body is fully aroused and ready for penetration and pleasure.

Alice

March 15, 2012

508635
The other two commenters gave pretty good advice but I'd like to go a little further. I had a very similar first experience to yours and the difficulty continued until my third year of marriage....
The other two commenters gave pretty good advice but I'd like to go a little further. I had a very similar first experience to yours and the difficulty continued until my third year of marriage. Nearing my second anniversary and still being unable to relax enough for a finger let alone sex with my husband prompted me to talk to my doctor who recommended someone trained in treating painful sex ( there is an actual name for this). Turned out that years of dance, years of holding pee until the last minute had combined with my worrisome nature had led to me tensing down there without realizing it at the sign of any stress. The physical therapist was really helpful in teaching me how to relax my inner muscles, muscles I didn't realize I had. She even showed my husband how to stretch me to help me to relax down there. I just put this out there for you or anyone else who has an exceptionally hard time with this. Good luck. Mimi

May 12, 2006

21070

Dear Alice,

To Wondering Virgin: You are not alone. Please don't get disillusioned by one disappointing experiment. TV, magazines and music videos all trumpet ludicrous messages like: "...

Dear Alice,

To Wondering Virgin: You are not alone. Please don't get disillusioned by one disappointing experiment. TV, magazines and music videos all trumpet ludicrous messages like: "Everyone except me is enjoying super-sex all of the time." In reality, many people feel the same way you do. For the sake of your happiness, I recommend that you don't have intercourse until you are really ready for it. I didn't enjoy my first sexual relationship because I was ignorant and had no idea what I wanted or how to ask for it. Because of this bad experience, for many months I hated myself, my boyfriend, and the whole idea of sex and relationships. It took me years to figure out how to get pleasure from sex. If you decide to try finger-in-vagina, you can help things go smoothly by asking your boyfriend to trim his fingernails and applying some water-based lubricant to your vagina. You can buy lubricant in the family planning section of most drugstores. When you're alone, why not experiment with yourself? Try touching your vagina and clitoris in different places and using different kinds of strokes. You are almost sure to discover some moves that excite you, and then you and your boyfriend can learn together. There's no reason that you can't have lots of pleasurable sex in the future. The key to enjoying sex is to find out what makes you feel good, ask your partner to do the things that arouse you and to do the same thing when it comes to what your partner likes. I hope this letter helps and isn't too long-winded. Best wishes for a happy and pleasure-filled future.

Sincerely,
Late Bloomer

February 24, 2006

21035

Alice,

RE: Virgin wonders, "Will it ever be good for me?"

I had the experience of having my boyfriend insert his fingers in me for the first time last week. It wasn't that...

Alice,

RE: Virgin wonders, "Will it ever be good for me?"

I had the experience of having my boyfriend insert his fingers in me for the first time last week. It wasn't that pleasurable, but I communicated with him to how deep and to slow down or even stop if I felt uncomfortable. Alice brought up a few good points. Arousal is very important, but you must be comfortable with your partner first.

1) Practice on yourself. Insert a finger (lube it first) and just experiment with different pressures and speed. You don't have to go in all the way at first.

2) Let him know what you haven't done. I tell each guy I get physical with I'm not very experienced. I'm still a virgin and wish to remain so. They would take it slow and ask me if I like what they're doing, and of course, stop if I don't.

3) Start off slow. You could have him put pressure on your vagina instead of penetration. I found this worked the best for me. In this way, I began to have some feeling down there so I could associate pleasure with that spot instead of fear.