Yeah, relationships are more than sex, but that doesn't mean you have to wait until marriage. Wait until you feel good about it, married or not. That's it. If you don't feel good...
Trying to decide when to have first intercourse
Originally Published: October 5, 2001 - Last Updated / Reviewed On: January 2, 2009
I have recently started university and moved away from home, and also I have met a guy who is now my boyfriend; it is going to be three weeks since we started dating and it has all been really good. We also have already started talking about making love and my boyfriend isn't forcing me into anything, and when I'm with him, it feels right, but the only thing that is bothering me is the fact it will only be three weeks. Both of us are virgins and I know he is sure he wants to lose his virginity to me and I feel the same way, but the time factor really bothers me. I really want to make this relationship work, and I think I'm going to be in love with him very soon...
My question is that are we rushing into things? Considering I have never been touched the way he has touched me, and if I am ready in such a short time period, should we go for it? Also what is the most reliable source of protection and where can I get it from? I want to take every precaution to make this one moment in my life the most amazing moment. Thank you very much.
"Losing" one's virginity, or choosing to have intercourse for the first time, can be a major decision. You're taking a great first step in the decision-making process by spending time thinking about your choices and what implications and consequences, both good and bad, having sexual intercourse might have for you, your partner, and your relationship.
There is no right or wrong answer to your questions; the decision to have sexual intercourse is one that you'll have to consider carefully both by yourself and with your partner. You mention that the length of your relationship is one factor that has been bothering you. It's important not to dismiss this concern, but rather to examine it to see why you're feeling this way and gauge how important this factor will be as you try to make a decision. Here are some questions that might help you figure out whether you and your partner are ready to take the plunge:
- Are you having fun in your relationship? Are you able to communicate well with each other? Are you caring towards one another both emotionally and physically?
- What does having intercourse mean to you? How about to your partner? Are you on the same page when it comes to what intercourse might mean for your relationship?
- What would happen if you waited a little longer? What might you lose? What might you gain?
- Are both of you giving and receiving pleasure in your sexual relationship now? Are you comfortable explaining to your partner what you like and don't like? Are there other options besides intercourse that you can explore to increase your enjoyment?
- When you picture yourselves having sex or intercourse together, what parts of the imagined experience seem great? What parts make you feel somewhat nervous? What about your partner?
- Are you and your partner prepared to take on the responsibility of having safer sex? Do you feel similarly committed to and have a strategy for safer sex?
You also may want to make a good old fashioned "pros" and "cons" list or write down some of your feelings and concerns about having intercourse; sometimes seeing the words on paper can help you reflect on your thoughts. If something stands out to you as a reoccurring theme or a nagging concern, it might be better for you just to hold off on making the decision. Now may not be the time for you to have intercourse, but you can always change your mind. In the mean time, enjoy getting to know your partner more intimately by going to the movies or concerts, eating lunch or taking walks, discovering your common ground, and learning more about each other, past, present and future.
If or when you choose to have intercourse, male condoms are the most widely-used form of protection against both sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and pregnancy. There are myriad options for safer sex, however, and more information about protection can be found in Go Ask
Lastly, one note of caution. For men and women the "first time" experience can range from "earth-shatteringly amazing" to "no big deal" to "painful, messy, and awkward." The idea of having intercourse is often thrilling, but it's also important to keep in mind that things don't always go as planned. Communication with your partner will be vital, so that you can adjust, laugh, and create "the moment" as the experience unfolds. Being sexual with someone doesn't always come naturally, but rather is something that improves with time, trust, communication, and practice.Best of luck determing the decision that works best for you.
December 29, 200821275
Yeah, relationships are more than sex, but that doesn't mean you have to wait until marriage. Wait until you feel good about it, married or not. That's it. If you don't feel good about it, don't do it.
January 22, 200721173
You need to make this decision for YOUR reasons, whatever they may be. Most, or at least many young men (college age through their 20's), crave sex and eventually lack commitment...
You need to make this decision for YOUR reasons, whatever they may be. Most, or at least many young men (college age through their 20's), crave sex and eventually lack commitment. While they may truly care for you and even love you at this time, they are often scared off by the thought of "real commitment" at this age. Now, if you too care for them and feel that the next natural step in your relationship should be sexual intercourse, that is fine.
Many men have had several sexual partners before they finally marry. In some respect, that is good because they have had the opportunity to learn more about their own sexuality and have also experienced other partners to learn more about pleasing different women. From this perspective, a woman having similar sexual experiences prior to marriage is a good thing. Of course there are important things to consider, number one being SAFE, as in SAFER SEX — always protecting yourself from any sexually transmitted infections.
Remember, too, it is OK — actually wonderful — to enjoy and even crave sex! In my opinion a great relationship must have understanding and communication, including intimate pleasing of each other. "Girls on Spring Break" is just that — girls, not women, and certainly not wives. Every man's fantasy is to be with two women (or so they say), and I'm sure many women would enjoy two men, but those activities are not the kind of thing that lasting, loving, and truly pleasing sexual relationships are founded on. If you listen to your partner, be a little creative, and not settle into the same old thing, you can grow old loving your partner for a lifetime and having wonderful sex every night, or less if you desire. But, don't make the mistake of letting sex disappear from any relationship where you truly care about the individual.
And back to your situation. Don't ask others, ask yourself. Don't let anyone pressure you into sex if you are uncomfortable and don't think the time is right. If your partner cares for you, they'll be patient and it will be even better when you are ready.
Consider your relationship and be realistic on where you stand. Hey, even if it's a one night deal, if you practice safer sex and you both know it's a fling and not hurting anyone else, you're young, go for it. On the other hand, if you move in with a guy with the idea of living together until the "time is right" for marriage and you begin wondering why the time never seems right for your man, remember this: "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?!"
November 27, 200621062
Personally, I think it is very wise to be questioning this. I also have a question to ask: if you are both virgins, would it not be better to keep it that way until you are...
Personally, I think it is very wise to be questioning this. I also have a question to ask: if you are both virgins, would it not be better to keep it that way until you are married? What I mean is, if you are a bit apprehensive, maybe it would be better to wait and maximize the pleasure and the non-guiltiness. If you really love this guy, and he really loves and respects you (and this would be in my case), I suggest that you seriously consider just waiting a while.
In the meantime, discuss other things with him and try to keep your minds off sex while getting to know more about him. Considering what you have already said about him, it's possible that he has special beliefs about sex. Don't ask him that directly, but still, I think you will find that if you wait for the perfect guy, and for when you're married, the pleasure and love will be a whole lot more than if you had thrown it all away with a guy you don't know all that well.
Keep to kissing, and if you find that too provoking and tempting, try to even stay away from that. There is a lot more to love than just sex. ;)