Trouble dealing with parents' divorce... twelve years after

Dear Jenny,

Divorce is one of the most difficult transitions a family may go through. There's no "right time" to stop or — in your case — start thinking about how your parents' divorce has affected you. You may know other people whose parents have separated more recently, but it's completely normal that you still feel sad and alone sometimes. Many people struggle to understand their parents' break-up — whether it happened last month, last year, or last decade. It's actually also very common to fantasize about "the perfect family" around the holidays. After all, many people — young and old alike — may feel letdown and lonely during the holidays, due to a variety of family circumstances. The fact that you have begun to recognize your feelings shows that you're willing to do what it takes to start feeling better.

Since you were very young when your parents got divorced, it may have been difficult for you to understand exactly what was going on. Even so, it may have been scary and difficult to go through the changes that followed your parents' split. Back then, you may not have known how to express your worries, confusion, sadness, disappointment, or questions. Perhaps that's why some of it is surfacing now that you're older and more mature and have new vocabulary to talk about what you're experiencing. You mentioned that nothing has happened in school that you think might be the cause of your new thoughts and feelings. However, could any of these situations be true for you?:

• Is either one of your parents dating someone new or gotten engaged/remarried? Do you worry that you won't spend as much time with your parents anymore because of the new partner?
• Have your friends made comments or asked questions about your parents, their relationship, or your family in general?
• You mentioned that your parents don't fight. Are you confused about why they broke up in the first place? It's possible that your parents don't argue when they're around you, or that they express their disagreement without "fighting." Also, couples break up for lots of different reasons; the reasons for your parent's divorce may not be obvious to you, and may not be to them, either.
• Has your parents' divorce affected your family financially? Are you worried about money for special events, things you need, or college?
• Many children of divorced parents divide their time between each parent's home, so it may seem as though you don't have enough time with either of them. Do your parents set aside time to talk and hang out with you? Has there been a change in your, or their, daily routines?
• Now that you're older, you may be wondering about how to make your own romantic relationships work and/or how to trust people. Maybe you worry that you'll make the same "mistakes" as your parents. Lots of people worry about the very same things — even into their adulthood. Being conscious of your feelings, and expressing them, as you seem to be now, helps to make relationships successful.

It may be helpful to re-focus your attention to the positive aspects of your family, and your parents. For example, what do you like about your family? What do you enjoy doing together? Do you have siblings? Do you spend time with other relatives, such as grandparents, cousins, or godparents?

It may also be helpful to share your feelings with someone you trust, i.e., friend, school counselor, member of the clergy, or health care provider. Even so, have you considered talking to your parents about how you've been feeling? After all, even though your parents don't live together anymore, it doesn't mean that you can't turn to them when you need help. It may be difficult for parents to talk with their kids about their divorce, but by talking with your mom and dad about the way you've been feeling, you'll have the chance to share something about yourself with them, and maybe even learn a thing or two about them, as well.

If you are a student at Columbia and would like to speak with a counselor/psychologist about this, you can make an appointment with a counseling professional from Counseling and Psychological Services (CPS) by calling x4-2878. Also keep in mind that CPS offers Groups and Workshops for which you can sign up by calling x4-2878. Your local YWCA/YMCA may also have groups where you can share your feelings with other people who have gone through similar situations. You may also want to check out Rainbows, an international organization that provides services to families experiencing sadness and grief due to various transitions, including divorce.

Be proud of yourself for taking the first steps to better understand your feelings about your parents' divorce!