Too young to orgasm?

| Originally Published: February 27, 1998
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Dear Alice,

I'm 17 years old and my boyfriend and I are having oral sex. When I perform fellatio on him, he loves it. But when he performs cunnilingus on me, I don't feel anything. He stimulates my clitoris, both with his tongue and fingers, but I end up faking it rather than becoming genuinely aroused. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm too young to have an orgasm. I want to become sexually active with him, but I'm afraid that that won't help me feel anything, either. And sex is too big a risk to take for me not to even get anything enjoyable out of it. Is there something wrong with me?

Signed,
A Youngin' Who Ain't Cumin'

Dear A Youngin' Who Ain't Cumin',

You say that you are not feeling anything when your boyfriend performs cunnilingus on you. Do you mean that you are not in the least bit aroused sexually and that you wouldn't feel any different if you were just sitting there talking to him fully-clothed? Or, do you mean that, even though it feels good, you do not orgasm? The problem with faking it is that you are "cheating" both your partner and, more importantly, yourself.

Nothing's wrong with you — you just haven't learned to orgasm yet. Touching yourself is a place to start. Use your fingers and see what feels good to you. Orgasm is a learned physiological response — your mission is to discover what you respond to best.

No, you are not too young to orgasm. Some girls have been orgasming since early childhood. Even some children as young as five can orgasm. Although it is common for younger women (under 20 or so) to be pre-orgasmic, many women learn to orgasm while they are in college or are college-aged. It just takes women a little longer to figure out how to orgasm — perhaps, because it's not as obvious for women as it is for men, and women haven't had as much practice! The idea is to learn to orgasm by yourself first, and then to "transfer" the sensations to partner sex.

What is this "risk" you feel you are taking with intercourse? Do you fear pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), or something else? Perhaps this worry is interfering with your ability to enjoy sex, and possibly orgasm.

Read some of the other questions and answers on orgasm in Alice's Sexuality archives, and especially read Lonnie G. Barbach's, For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality.

Alice

January 6, 2014

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I understand how you feel. I'm 14, and found it so hard to orgasm (on my own, not with a partner). The key is: relax. Try to get in the moment. Believe me, if I'm not too young, you're not either!
I understand how you feel. I'm 14, and found it so hard to orgasm (on my own, not with a partner). The key is: relax. Try to get in the moment. Believe me, if I'm not too young, you're not either!