Too much sex, too little relating

Originally Published: May 1, 1994 - Last Updated / Reviewed On: March 11, 2014
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Dear Alice,

I'm a 25 year-old guy, average looking, and I think I have a normal personality. I met this very nice and pretty girl a little more than a month ago. Almost since the beginning, all she wants to do is go to bed and make love. This was great in the beginning, but, you and some guys out there may think I am crazy, I am starting to get worn out. I like her very much and we get along great in bed, but I want to date her just like my friends date their girlfriends, although my friends tell me they wish they had my problem.

Anyway, when I suggest going out, she shrugs her shoulders and says that she likes to be in bed with me. I'm sure that you get a lot of inquiries about how to move a friendship over to bed. Can you give me some advice about how to move the bed over to a friendship?

—Sexed Out

Dear Sexed Out,

Balancing the needs and expectations of your partner with those of your own may be challenging, but open communication may go a long way in resolving relationship concerns. It sounds like you would like to nurture the relationship and give it time to grow and develop outside the bedroom. Have you spoken with her about what you want in a relationship?

Consider telling your partner that you'd like to develop a friendship, both in and out of bed. Try using "I" statements, such as "I have noticed we have been spending a lot of time inside, and I think it would be nice to get to know you better over dinner." You may mention things you like to do — go to the movies, take long walks, play chess, etc. Additionally, try to find out what your partner's expectations are for the relationship, and what your partner likes to do. Perhaps you may plan a date involving one of these favorite activities. Asking questions about your partner's needs and interests may help you to determine if you will be compatible as friends, a romantic relationship, or purely physical.

If your partner isn't interested in developing a relationship outside of the bedroom, you may want to evaluate if the relationship you have now is worth staying in. Are you comfortable staying with your partner for the sex? Would continuing to have sex with this partner keep you from finding someone else with whom you might be more compatible? Can you stay in this relationship for what it's worth without getting emotionally involved (as it might not be reciprocated)?

Although you perceive your concern to be different from many others, it's not unusual. It's good that you're thinking about what qualities would fulfill your needs in a relationship.

Alice