Tired of oral sex — Should we move onto intercourse?

Originally Published: November 22, 2002 - Last Updated / Reviewed On: September 4, 2012
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Dear Alice,

My fiancé and I are living together, and before doing so, had already planned to wait for marriage before having sex. It has become really weird, though, because we are getting tired of oral sex and we are around each other so much it is like we are already married. My fiancé has suggested two paths to take: that we either stop pretending like we are already married (e.g., sleeping in the same bed) or that we just have sex. Are there any other ways to solve our problem? Thanks.

—Jen

Dear Jen,

When talking about the "sex" that you and your fiancé are waiting for until marriage, do you mean sexual intercourse? It's not clear, since you and your fiancé have already been having oral sex, which, by the way, is one kind of sex. If you mean sexual intercourse, both of you made a conscious decision earlier in your relationship not to have it until you are married. Religion, family values, and/or personal reasons can play important parts in this decision. It is common, however, for couples in your position to find themselves in the potentially "compromising position" of changing their minds. Perhaps both of you can talk with one another about the reasons that you were waiting to have intercourse until marriage. You may find renewed commitment to follow through with your original plan. Some couples choose to move up their wedding date as an option. Or, you two may discover that what was once important has changed at this juncture in your lives.

Living together before tying the knot provides couples with a glimpse into the experience of what it might be like to share a space and life with their partner. Having the same thing over and over again, though — whether it's sushi or oral sex (even intercourse) night after night — can get monotonous. It seems as if your fiancé's suggestions of either sleeping in separate beds or having intercourse are polar opposites, and possibly unsatisfying, unacceptable, or too limited for you.

While you both may feel that your sex life is becoming lackluster, there are solutions to this dilemma that aren't so drastic, taking advantage of the wide range of options that enhance your intimacy, without choosing to have intercourse. You can whet your appetite for each other by mixing up the romantic menu. Here are some ideas; others are contained within the Related Q&As listed below:

  • Make/have a romantic dinner or dessert together.
  • Seductively dance for one another.
  • Take a bubble bath or shower together, or sensuously bathe each other using a romantic ambiance (e.g., candles, music, scents, etc.).
  • Watch an erotic movie or read erotica together.
  • Plan a lingerie shopping spree for two and have a fashion show or strip tease for each other once you get home.
  • Use oils, lotions, and/or salt rubs to sensuously massage one another, or visit a spa together.
  • Role play scenarios that turn each other on.
  • Visit an adult toy store together and buy a sex toy you can use the next time you're intimate with one another.
  • Have phone sex (if you have separate lines and spaces you can use).

These choices may offer you topics of conversation, or options to chew on. What's more, any of these suggestions can result in laughter or orgasm, with or without intercourse — you decide.

Alice